Counting sheep

Sometimes I forget what insomnia feels like. 

Even when I’m in the midst of it. 

Like now. 

My eyes are absolutely streaming. They are tired. They keep blinking away the yawn tears. And the yawning. My jaw is clicking from the big gaping yawns my body is not listening to. 

I had a pretty early start to the day all things considered. It was around 07:30. Which after another really restless night is not great. But it does usually mean that I’ll feel tired enough to get some sleep tonight. Today we did a lot of work in the garden, in the sun and I felt the sense of fatigue that you feel on holiday. You know the one. You’ve been outside all day. Soaking up the rays. And yet you feel like a little siesta would seal the deal to the perfect day. I don’t know what it is about the sun but it is a stealer of energy. And yes, that’s what happened today. 

We came in, showered, ate and then relaxed on the sofa. Up to bed we come and here I am 3 hours later. Body tired. Eyes screaming. Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. Why? Why! 

I wouldn’t mind the later ticking clock hours if I was going to sleep deeply when it eventually happens. But that hasn’t happened in a few weeks now. I forgot what this felt like. The absolute endless fatigue. And yet it’s not fatigue during the day. It’s almost a mission my body has to keep going. It is not tired anymore. And then boom. Bedtime, body tired, hello brain! 

What’s on the agenda tonight. Nothing much. So are we in agreement. Brain and body are both tired. So let’s sleep. 

Yeah, nah, that’s not gonna happen. I can do the ‘wriggling around unsettled, eyes shut, body awake, brain buzzing’ if you want? 

Just what is going on. I’ve got the earplugs in. I’ve got an eye mask. Comfy bed. Dark room. Locked door. Quiet road. 

It’s the brain isn’t it. The non stop hamster wheel churning out useless thoughts and tidbits. And yet even that has stopped. It’s just restlessness. Maybe I’m slipping back into the ‘functioning without sleep’ mode. It used to work fine until I’d crash for 15+ hours of pure sleep. Actual dead to the word slumber. 

Maybe my body is used to being awake. It just had to get over the tired humps. Even now I can feel the tiredness leave my eyes. My yawning has stopped. My body lays numb on the bed. Mr W is next to me. Out for the count. The envy is real. 

Deep down I know that this is caused by Pcos. But knowing that doesn’t exactly solve the problem. I understand it. I don’t have to be confused. It’s just a problem that needs some kind of work around. 

I actually love to sleep. Love it! When I have it, I want more and more and more. Maybe because when it actually happens I want to cling to it so it never leaves me again. 

Some people say, why not read a boring book, which after a while will send you to sleep? Ha! You end up finishing the book so you have something to do instead of stare at the ceiling. 

Count sheep? Hmmm. They’ll be tap dancing in corsets by the time I’m through with them. 

Listen to the sounds of pouring rain. Absolutely love it. That’s why I want to listen to it. And my brain knows it! 

Other than a giant hammer I don’t know what to do. There’s always the medication route. But what a slippery slope that could be. 

Although I must say it amuses the husband. Today I measured half of 21cm as 10cm and said the ‘word’ performanship, he quickly said, “Do you mean, showmanship?”. Yes, yes I do. 

You’ve got to laugh, haven’t you. 

Photo by Dave Watson 

Please check out his work on https://www.instagram.com/davewatson_uk/ or at https://davewatson1980.picfair.com