A few weeks ago I wrote ‘The new healthy’ (link below) and it was the most open I’ve been about my mental health for a while. I spoke about how being a people pleaser can sometimes land you in hot water and how if it is misconstrued as meddling it can often have a detrimental effect. I also believe that however good and helpful it is to be a people-pleaser, over time it diminishes your ability to please yourself. You have no capacity left to think about you and your needs and certainly no energy once you’ve stopped running around after everyone. There needs to be a limit. 

While writing that blog, I felt the need to talk about something that I have recognised in myself recently. The word ‘trigger’ is mentioned a lot these days when it comes to mental health. There are more discussions than ever before about our mental health and the introduction of the word ‘trigger’ is not far behind. 

To be triggered is to have an adverse feeling caused by something being done or said around you. The adverse effect is normally something that makes your mental health plummet. May it be temporary anxiety or sadness. Often it is indescribable but I am attempting today to explain mine. 

I am not a positive person. I believe this goes hand in hand with my anxiety. When looking at a situation I am more than likely to discuss what could go wrong as a way of coping with it before it/or if it actually happens. By assessing it in this way, I’m almost preparing myself mentally. You can see where my OCD nature of planning comes into play here. As lovely as it would be to be spontaneous, the anxiety that simmers under the surface of my skin would quite frankly not allow it. Feeling this way is hard. It makes life hard. It has for a very long time. To this effect, I don’t like other people to feel sad. I want to make sure no one feels this way. It is not a mission I choose to live by, but if I see someone in pain and mental anguish, I want to be their cheerleader. I want to listen and guide and offer advice to lessen their load. By that reasoning I am trying to lead ‘cheer’. And others will often tell me, why cant you be that kind to yourself?

But the question is, what happens when you can’t fix something? When the story is told and there is no happy ending to be found? No way out of the maze of sadness? How does one be a cheerleader for that kind of story? There is being someone’s shoulder and listening but that can only do so much. 

What if the negativity of someone else’s life infiltrates yours?

There are times when I truly want to listen to my friends and family. When I want to help them. But it can’t happen. It doesn’t work. Ultimately every situation can’t be fixed or explored. There is no way out. Only that person stuck in the often unpreventable, but sometimes self-made, unhappiness. It is the self-made unhappiness that I struggle with the most. Where I literally cannot offer any words of comfort or logic when my own mental health crumbles. 

Have I failed as a cheerleader? Am I required to hand back my pom poms?

It has become an issue that I find I cannot ignore. This negativity trigger of mine stops the words in my mouth and the heart in my chest. I find myself retreating into my very being. I can literally feel my back arching and my head falling to reach my shoulders. The word tense seems apt. 

That is where the idea of boundaries came along. To detach myself from certain conversations in my life to adjust my anxieties to suit my fragile mental health. There are situations that are revisited time and time again that have no solution that I have asked to be kept out of. Does it mean I don’t care? Of course not, but caring and not being able to solve it is making me ill. Mental health, when it gets that bad, makes you ill. What good am I to anyone in that case?

There will be times when a boundary isn’t needed. You can just nod along and pretend everything is fine before you quickly find a way to exit the situation. It makes for a very inventive way of living for sure. Oh, I forgot to make that cup of tea. One minute I think the cat is clawing at the door. Oh, I need to pee.  Sometimes though boundaries are not in fact even available. My trigger is now that bad, that even nasty words said online can have a harmful impact. 

Due to the pandemic, my facebook page which was once successful and on its way to becoming a career has stalled. It is sad but I’ve taken the hit and moved on. Now, I spend my days trawling the online groups to ask real people about their experiences around the world and ask my own questions to widen my understanding of a place, city etc. Being privy to all this information is astounding. Other times, there are people who hide behind their keyboards and are so rude that it is really shocking. Whether it’s a remark made to me or another person makes no difference to me really, it still shocks and triggers. Where does that boundary come in? 

Truth be told I’ve retaliated at times recently to stand up for people and even though it gets me nowhere I feel good for defending others. But now, I’ve come to the realisation that the people behind their screens are leading very sad lives in which to get their jollies, bully others. So now I report, delete and block. I don’t need or want to understand the logic behind their motives and my boundary is to delete it so I can’t see it. Those negative triggers are much easier to stop in their tracks. Talking to Mr W will often result in ‘their morons leading moronic lives’ and a giggle from me.

No boundaries needed. Just swift action. And a laugh. 

When it’s closer to home I find that the delete and blocking option is not there. So what now? Taking a step back? Finding those boundaries and being brave enough to enforce them?

Perhaps. 

What I’ve come to accept recently is that the trigger is there and I’m not the one pulling it. Just understanding why it happens and how I can work around it by being open is just the beginning. It’s the biggest step to take. Acknowledgement always will be. 

https://frameworktravel.home.blog/2022/08/16/the-new-healthy/