Tag: struggle

Letter to our future baby

I wish you were here.

You just need to be here in my arms. Looking up at me. Me and you. Your dad is next to you. You are just sitting. Living. Breathing in this world where we are. I feel like I know your face. I know your noises. I can feel your touch. I have seen it in my mind a million times. You’re real. There are times I feel I’m starting to lose who I am because who I am doesn’t make sense without you. You are what we hope for everyday. There’s so much love just waiting for you. Love for you from everyone. You have no idea how much you will be loved when you are here. It just seems so hard. So impossible to think of you actually being here. I don’t know how long it will take and I’m scared of it never happening. 

This road, this journey we are on, just feels like it’s never going to start. That it’s never going to end. Such a long road with its twists and turns and u-turns that I’m just not strong enough to take for much longer. I’m not even worried about an announcement or a baby shower. It’s just holding you. I think once I hold you, I’ll never let go. I’d never want to give you up. And never let you down.

I feel like I’ve let your dad down. I feel like I’ve let everyone down. There is so much love for someone I’ve not even met. Someone who isn’t even alive. You are an idea. A wish. To be a mother is something I never ever wanted before and  now that I do it’s all I think about. My life is just one big distraction. 

I feel like I’m failing as a wife. That all the joy is just a mirage. A fake smile. 

I can see you growing up. Walking around this house. I see where your crib would be. Where your toys would lay on the floor. You’d be outside, where you’d run in the sun, playing.

I see you meeting your nan and your grandad for the first time. See Christmases and Birthdays. They all play out in my mind. I see that joy on your dad’s face. Nothing else compares. I wonder if this heartache will end. There’s such a small part of me that thinks it won’t and I’m scared. If our hopes don’t magic you into life what will happen? Wanting you is like no other feeling. Ever. I’m scared of what it means if you don’t become real.

I see your face in my dreams. 

Lost

There are times my mental health seems bad to me. 

There are times it seems bad to others. This is when it is at its hardest. Like I’m lost down a rabbit hole but I don’t know how I got there. I was quite happy amongst the roots and dirt not knowing any differently. It’s hard to find your way out when you are told it’s not the place you belong. Not where people want to see you. And all along you thought everything was okay.

Maybe I am lost down the rabbit hole. And have forgotten what the outside world looks like. 

Maybe starting writing again has made me delve back into my old self. She is deep thinking and not participating in the real world. And yet I’m told my writing is powerful. But it’s making me a ghost in life. It’s sad because I thought I was okay. At least I had the outer appearance of being okay, while everything inside isn’t. Well, is and isn’t. 

Maybe I’m just floating along content in the displacement. It’s sad. It comes as such a shock to be told just how I appear on the outside. Like I’ve failed to exist. Exist how I should in another person’s eyes. Exist how they love me. Exist, full stop. 

Maybe I just don’t see it from my side. 

That’s a lot of maybes. It always will be. Other than an out of body experience I don’t possibly see how I’d see it from another person’s perspective. All I know is it’s sad to feel like I’m failing. To be the person people want to love. To be the better version of me. All the while thinking that’s what I was doing. 

To those who love me, know me, I’m sorry if I come across unfeeling and lost. 

I’ll do my best to do better.