Un-dreaming

Love is a dream. Feelings seem superhuman. Your ‘other half’ is miraculously god-like. And everything is pink, fuzzy and rejoicing at the both of you being together. Furthermore, you are different. Optimistic. Smiley. Bouncing around on clouds that whizz around you in puffy heart shapes. Then you hear the next door neighbours drill. Or a car backfire. Or an overbearing sibling, ‘Yeah, mate, pub 1 o’clock, bring your drinking liver.’ You’re blasted out of the dream before you can say 2 point 4 children and a white picket fence. The outside ‘no duvets allowed’ world is rainy and cold. People don’t look at you like you belong with Zeus and that your smile is perfect to warm this winter’s day. They don’t look at you at all. You’re just another person on this planet getting out of bed. Leaving the dreams behind and stumbling down the stairs, briefly child-like again, learning how to use your legs. Stumbling. Wiping your hand across your eyes to clear the misty waters and sleep that has gathered. Almost as if it had bound your eyes shut for you to enjoy the dream for as long as possible. Awake. Aware. The dream is gone. You’ve moved on. From the dream. From him. You’re learning how to walk again, albeit with help from the bannister. Brushing the endless pink fluffy clouds from your sleepy eyelids. You have learnt that a dream is unnatural and that this is life. Cold, dark and unsmiling. 

You reach the end of your descent. There is a noise in the kitchen. There he is. Making breakfast. Your latest favourite. Poached eggs on toast. The kettle is boiling and he has the radio on. He is here. Outside the dreamworld. 

You walk up behind him. Put your hands on his shoulders. Yep, still real. You slide them down his arms and join them together on his chest. You are on tiptoes to meet his height. He is still, acknowledging your embrace and his hands find yours in their return of the ‘Hey you’. 

Online you have seen that other couples, your friends, have been out for brunch at a well-known, hard-to-get-reservations London restaurant. You have spent the morning in bed, coffee, book, music, lounging in each other’s company. It is already noon. Your brunch will be the eggs that cook in the pan.  This is the dream.

The mundane activities aren’t mundane anymore. Shopping for socks and people watching from the food court. Making the bed because you have forgotten when it was last changed. Talking about your ideas for the next piece of DIY. Watering the garden to nurture what you have sown and grown. The pink clouds are gone from the dreamworld, they have left behind the very real white clouds that you both trace across the sky while you plan your next adventure. Warm, light and full of life.

Chink in her armour

It encapsulated her, so tight at times it suffocated rather than protecting her broken shell. No air came in. No air went out. Dying inside her own stronghold, she curled up and let it take hold.

‘A chain is only as strong as its weakest link’…

Her chains have been wrapped, fused and bound for so long it became hard to imagine them falling to the ground. Whether she had control over them was even harder to imagine.

He came like a knight and ‘chinked’ her armour. The light was let in and it breathed new air into the darkness. The self-made prison released her and she fell weak kneed into unfamiliar territory. Over time the pieces of armour fell off completely and she was left to his mercy, without control and darkness.

The light stung her eyes, revealed to their new surroundings they saw him and why he had come. He was there for her. To release her from her chains and demons.

To set her free.

Photo by Dave Watson

Please check out his work on https://www.instagram.com/davewatson_uk/ or at https://davewatson1980.picfair.com

Hotel room for one

Today’s blog is coming to you from the sofa and from the arms of a very tired person. It’s been 13 hours since I woke up and we’ve been on the go for about 12 of those. Nothing pleases me more than ticking jobs off a to-do list, the only thing is as soon as we ticked something off something else was added. You have to laugh, you really do. This will be short and sweet. It’s a thought that has been flitting through my mind, keeping me company while potting up hanging baskets and veggies. Yes, I am a geeky gardener and I love it.

I have a friend of over 20 years who has honestly had the kind of year that would see me put in an asylum. Everything that could change has or is very soon. A marriage is ending, finances are stretching beyond belief and she may have to give up her home. Add covid and a personal hope that has been shattered and, quite frankly, I’m astounded. 

Don’t get me wrong there have been wobbles, lots of tears and anger but today she is going on her first solo mini break. I can picture her now. Unsmiling, but looking out to the sea, and taking the first proper deep breath she’s taken in over a year. She is not unhappy but bracing for the next chapter in her life. I imagine what has happened to be like a book being written that had all the chapters named before the writing began. Half way through, a plot twist renders the next chapter futile. And the one after that. And after that. 

She takes another deep breath and feels pain, relief, loss and hope all at once. She is amazing. My friend is amazing.

Tonight she will lay in a strange bed looking at the ceiling. Trying to switch off her mind but inevitably thinking of the future. She is methodical but still human. There will be lots of thoughts. 

Mr W said today it’s that he feels sorry for her, not in a pitying way, but in the kind of way that someone so lovely and caring and devoted to her family and friends should never feel how she has felt in the last year. It’s the kind of sorry that makes you want to take every ounce of pain away because they could never even dream of causing that pain to others. Ever.

She is the kind of person who is there day and night. The kind of person who helps you with an emergency, She is there. Even now she is there for me. Listening to me cry and moan and scream.

Wholeheartedly, I am in awe of her. At 34 years old I thought I’d grown out of having heroes but rather than flying with a cape kind, she is the epitome of bravery. I am in complete awe of my beautiful friend. She is not letting her past define her. Her circumstance does not define her. Our choices define us. Her choice is to not give up. She can’t control her world. But she can control her reaction. She is the definition of staggeringly awe-inspiring. 

And I am so proud of her. To know her. To be a part of her story.

Photo by Dave Watson 

Please check out his work on https://www.instagram.com/davewatson_uk/ or at https://davewatson1980.picfair.com