There are puddles of mud that threaten to spill over the top of your hiking boots, sheer drops into the pools below and more people than you have seen in the previous 8 days combined. Then… the heavens open. Struggling along the pathways becomes even harder as crowds retreat to their cars and your stubborn arse refuses to turn back. You are but a pebble trying to stand its ground against the strong incoming wave.
It does not make a blind bit of difference.
To your right are the Fairy Pools of the Isle of Skye. Further afield the towering Bruach na Frìthe and Sgùrr nan Gillean mountain peaks overlook the scene. Clouds roll over these monoliths and there is a sense of foreboding in the air. Yet your eyes search out the next cascade of water.
Something is pushing you on through the furor. Is it your constant quest for awe-inspiring scenes? Is it your stubbornness to tick items off that ever growing bucket list?
Maybe. Perhaps.
Neither or both. It really doesn’t matter.
You are here. Finally walking the landscape you’ve only ever witnessed online and it’s everything and more just to be here. It is everything to be outside hiking and enjoying moving your muscles and your body overcoming the pain it’s been experiencing in the throws of sciatica to keep going. This kind of movement isn’t punishment because you are living in a bigger body. It’s a reminder that despite your size you can do this. Despite your fear of sliding in the mud and tripping on rocks you still turned up and set your mind to do it.
Reaching the top of the pools with the rain lashing down you give a slight nod to yourself and how far you’ve come both geographically and physically. The crowds have dispersed and only the brave (or stupid) have continued. There is laughter in the air at the absurdity of it all. Why are we all drenched to the bone in this wilderness?
It is stunning. The sound of the water is very faint and almost lost in the deafening wind. Your hooded coat also blocks the sound from reaching your ears. It doesn’t matter. The vivid blues and greens on the riverbed shine like something from an alien planet. And you are reminded there and then that this is our planet. These are the sights that remind you of that fact. That this planet is beautiful and still harbours unbelievable wonders should you take a moment to go and hunt for them.
With every retracing step back down the hill, you take a moment to glance over the river and the different colours glittering up through the water as it ambles over the Scottish rock. There are purple heathers and tall yellow and green grasses. The river is not straight. It has not obliterated the terrain away. It has only ambled its way without any kind of plan. Occasionally there is evidence of a rock slide but where it has settled mosses and other fauna have sprouted. Starting new life and colour. The weaving of this river makes it impossible to see from one end to the other in one sweep. You need to appreciate each plunging pool and rapid movement as a singularity. In this way you can value every step and view. It changes and that’s okay. Take of that as you will.
Simply put, this is a river flowing down from a mountain. And you’re feeling happy.
That’s what travel does. Enlightens and inspires. It brings us back to basics and opens us up to everything we take for granted. That’s what I felt at those pools. There were no fairies. No magic. Just me, the mountains and my realisation that no matter my size, ability or thought process, I can wake up, get going and witness all the beauty around me.
The links for the itinerary and recap of this day are below. I hope one day you experience this magical route for yourself.
For the past six months I have been busy. Busy with travel. Busy with friends and family. And then, busy personally. In my head I have been coming to terms with living in a bigger body. This has made my mind busy.
I have always been big. I am an emotional eater. I eat when I’m happy. I eat when I’m sad. And I have PCOS which means regardless of what I eat and how much there is I will put on weight. it is also extremely difficult to lose weight. Way to mess with one’s mind eh?
Sugar.
Fibre.
Carbs.
It doesn’t matter.
Growing up in a bigger body meant I continually struggled with clothing and fitting (get it) in with the latest trends. But even then, I didn’t particularly like the trends of my childhood. The Schott jackets and short black skirts at school were just not my thing. I know now that if I had worn those items of clothing it would have been to fit in with everyone else and be worthy of those clothes because I fit in them. If I could have shrunk myself down maybe I would have felt normal. But then… If I didn’t want to wear the clothes others wore, would I have been their type of normal?
As my twenties turned into my thirties, I found that I drowned myself in big jumpers and jeans, which was a big step up from my dress and legging situation of a decade ago. Of course with the obligatory safety cardigan. That is until I started listening to a certain podcast, which I have mentioned before.
The aim of the podcast is to help everybody love themselves in the here and now without feeling the need to change something about themselves. Hence the name, ‘Go Love Yourself’. One early October Sunday morning saw Mr W and I wandering into our fast-becoming favourite haunt in Greenwich for breakfast and Mr W remarked on my strut into the dining area. I laughed nervously not knowing what he meant. Was I strutting? As we sat eating breakfast and sipping our caffeine hit, we talked about why I felt so comfortable. The fact of the matter was, I walked into a place I genuinely loved being, with the person who makes me walk tall and wearing my beloved black trench coat. Under said coat was a pair of khaki dungarees. It was a huge deal to be out in public in a pair of loose fitting trousers without a care in the world. Girls like me aren’t seen in dungarees. And yet there I was. The coat itself makes me feel good because it’s stylish without the price tag. I’ve had it for donkey’s years. It was then that the penny started to drop.
Therefore in October, with holes in many of my clothes including my trusty stretchy jeans, Mr W said enough was enough and unleashed me online to buy clothes I actually liked the look of. My aim has always been to fit into clothes and not once have I stopped and wondered whether I have liked anything that I wear. In fact I have on occasion bought the same ugly top in every single colour it comes in for the pure reason of it fitting my body. Ironically I never asked myself whether the selling point of these items was the fact I liked the way it looked. I’ve never asked myself that question. The exception being my wedding dress.
A big box of clothing turned up 4 weeks ago with various casual dresses, trousers and a rather cool hat. Mr W eagerly anticipated my transformation as I tried on each new item with disdain on my face. What on earth had I done?
This wasn’t me. Dark green waffle knit dresses. Carrot leg grey trousers. And the hat. Why the hat? I didn’t recognise this person.
Fast forward to the 31st October when I mustered up the attitude to wear an outfit from my new capsule wardrobe for a day in London. We had a fancy meal booked using a voucher from my birthday in March, an exhibition booked at the Tate Modern and a talk at Cadogan Hall by Levison Wood, tickets I had gotten for Mr W for his birthday. It was a far cry from our usual days out in our capital city.
I wore a burgundy dress with black tights, my new fedora hat, the trusty coat and some suede ankle boots. Team that with one of my favourite bags and I didn’t feel too bad. The hat was quite a statement piece in my eyes and I could feel the nerves of people looking at me creep in as we jumped on the underground into Liverpool Street.
Training my eyes to watch the pavement as I walk has been a lifelong trait of mine and it’s normally to watch out for my clumsy feet. Only occasionally is it to avoid peoples glances at me. I would always wonder what they were thinking when they looked at me. Why are their eyes gazing at my neck, is it the double chin? They’re looking at my stomach, it’s too big isn’t it? You can imagine the pains I rotate through my head.
And then, the second penny dropped. Regardless of what I wear, my chin and stomach will still be there. Why should I wear items of clothing that make me feel hidden away? When I can wear things that give me a bounce in my step because I actually like them.
Upon arrival at the restaurant, I was complimented on said hat. Smiling nervously I said thank you. Surely, he was just being nice. And yet several times throughout the day and days since I have received similar compliments. This is beyond strange to me.
That evening, we listened to Levison Wood talk to us and the other audience members about his travel ethos. I was totally entranced and equally as shocked when my right arm extended upwards to be picked during the question and answer portion of the night. Someone else was picked and my arm was withdrawn rapidly in embarrassment. What was I thinking? How could I talk out loud in front of 900 people? They would all look at me. It had taken me the hour since the announcement had been made that there would be a Q&A to formulate a question and gather the guts to lift my limb, let alone actually speak. And yet as the questioning continued. My fuck it attitude kicked in, I scolded myself for thinking my question wasn’t as worthy as anyone else’s and I raised my arm again. This time I was noticed. I asked my question, Levison spoke back to me and I grinned nerdily as we maintained eye contact.
I couldn’t believe it. That was me. The one speaking out loud. As the lights came up in the venue, Mr W smiled as he questioned what had gotten into me. It was highly unlikely for me to speak up in a room full of people I know let alone in an auditorium full of strangers. My only reasoning was that ‘fuck it’ had entered my mind and taken hold.
With my new clothes I felt I had taken on a persona of someone with confidence. It is only now I realised that wearing ‘the real me’ was the fashion that fit me best. It will inevitably take time to adjust to wearing new clothes on the body I do not like and choosing not to hide it away. I deserve to feel good no matter my size. That is what the podcast has taught me. I’m just slower on the uptake than others. Or maybe just too scared at times. We met new friends from America in London the other day and we got to talking about introverts and extroverts. They were shocked to find that I am an introverted extrovert. One of them couldn’t believe the fact that I am mostly a shy person because I was so talkative. And yet wearing clothes I love, including the hat and coat, made the extrovert appear for a fun day out. It made me realise that the clothes I wear may not be a true reflection of who I am on the inside, but they are helping me push through a little more each day.
I have never pretended that I have got it all together on this blog. Mental health, PCOS and travelling are the biggest things I’ve ever talked about with you. They’re all big factors in my life and sometimes one will take precedence over the other.
With my PCOS there are huge fertility implications and a lot of my mental health problems come with the condition. It’s often when I’m planning travel or travelling that these battles will get pushed aside and sometimes they’re forgotten. It means that I feel my best because I’m not trying to conquer the demons in my head or worrying about my future with or without a child. And even as I say that I am tearing up because that is where my mental health is at the moment. The battle everyday to stay positive on the fertility side of things in our life is enormous.
For the first time in a very long time I’m dictating this blog. So what I’ll do is speak into my phone as if I’m talking to a friend and then I will go back and edit it. This means it’s much more coherent for you to read! And covers up the mistakes on the phone’s part. This just means that everything in my head is coming out as it needs to and then all I really do is add in punctuation and that means, I hate this word, I can be as ‘real’ as possible about PCOS and mental health for those of you out there that maybe need to hear this story. If I can be to my readers ,or to those who stumble across this blog who has PCOS or lives with mental health issues, someone to relate to and therefore feel less alone with these conditions, I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all.
So it’s been 3 weeks since I wrote and (if you want to just follow the link below it will go back to that blog in particular) it discussed how busy our life had been since our Scotland trip. So, we got back from Scotland on the 2nd of October and I didn’t write for 11 days. It’s now been 3 weeks since that day, so in fact it’s been nearly 5 weeks since the loss of momentum with the writing. What I found I was doing was posting the blog title and then catching up with writing later or spending a whole day just writing blog after blog and then scheduling them to publish. I wasn’t just doing one a day I was either doing 0 or 4 and it just didn’t work. Then I found myself in a pit I could not climb out of.
I’ve not sat here doing nothing. I have been really busy. We decorated our home office and that was back to the bare bones. The skirting came off, we took all the furniture out, the windowsill came.We had to do this has it’s not really been done properly in the six years we have lived here. We’ve got a lot, as you can imagine, of cameras, lenses, photography bits and travel gear in that room, as well as a computer and other you know fiddly bits. All the furniture was all dismantled and removed. It then took over a week to decorate as there was a mishap with paint where we didn’t have enough and the store no longer did that colour. I could go on but you can imagine how it eventually worked itself out.
There was a lot going on and at the same time I’ve been having some osteopathic treatment for my back. The first session, which to be honest I thought was quite tame, didn’t really make much difference to my sciatic pain and I was worried it wasn’t going to benefit me at all. The lady did discover that the bottom of my spine had twisted and therefore on the second visit she did manipulate my sacrum quite a bit and I did feel a lot more pressure in that area. Since then I have been happy with the results and the advice on how to sit and sleep moving forward is really important because that is a massive factor in the predicament I have found myself in. Unfortunately it’s just what we are used to isn’t it, we get into the same positions to feel comfortable. That has been a change in the last week, unfortunately my step nan died last week. When the opportunity arose in September to go and see her, I didn’t go because of my back issue.There was a plan that as soon as I could sit reasonably in a car again that we would travel over to Wales. Sadly, I didn’t get the chance and because of covid I haven’t seen her since late August 2019. That’s been a really harsh blow and naturally I have been beating myself up about it since. We had been writing letters to each other for the past three years and I will miss that massively.
We’ve taken our time putting the office back together so we can take advantage of space and this week I’ve capitalised on this new found sense of get up and go and decluttered the house. We aren’t necessarily messy people but the small changes have made big changes to my frame of mind. I’ve been putting picture frames on walls rather than having them on furniture, just to give the element clear space and to be honest it has really helped to have a lot more order to our home I’ve also had a clear out of my wardrobe and I’ve earn some extra money on vinted which is always great this time of year. I’ve not really experienced money troubles or worries with all the new problems with the economy but it’s always in the back of my mind. I do worry about Mr W and how he takes it all on board. So just by making those few extra pounds I hope it takes the burden off a little bit or you know shows that I’m trying. And there you go, that’s where we’re at up until today really.
The biggest change has come about in my mental health. Where a few years ago, especially during the first few months of covid in 2020, to ease my anxiety over what was happening in the world I would keep myself busy. To cover the cracks in my own problems and my own dealings with it, I would just constantly keep busy but as soon as the busy times stopped the anxieties were still there. In the last 6+ months I’ve actually tried to settle into my anxieties and just feel the feelings because they’re not going to go away. Just because you’ve cleaned your house top to bottom with a toothbrush or you’ve decided to go for a 4 hour walk, in my experience, doesn’t mean your anxieties are banished. It just pushes it aside, it doesn’t really deal with it. I’ve been focusing on what I’ve been feeling to try and process it a lot better but the problem is the deeper you go the harder it is to find your way out. Especially when you can’t pinpoint why you feel so sad. There is a lot of negativity going on in the world and my own struggles with maybe never having a child have thrown me through a loop. The past 3 to 4 weeks have possibly been the worst mental health time for me in a very very long time. What’s worse is on the outside, so as soon as I step outside our front door, I’ve almost gone back to how I used to behave. Putting on a rather poor show that everything’s fine, happy happy, happy, go lucky but as soon as I’m back home I just retreat and Mr W and I just settled into this whole routine of home life. Get up, do the dishwasher, cook dinner, watch TV, go to bed and my and Mr W’s relationship has become quite static. We’ve had a lot of time to talk over the past week about how to make some changes and see what we can do. We’ve got a few things in the pipeline over the next couple of weeks, and like I said it is really there a little things that make the biggest differences.
I will be writing again, I’m not going to sugar coat what’s been going on but I hope by looking back at the Scotland trip, because I still haven’t finished the itinerary blogs and their highlights for you, I’m hoping that it will give me some structure. Looking back as well, which I haven’t done in weeks, will remind me of that fantastic trip and will ignite in me the need (obviously) to pursue the next trip.
We have a little trip coming up in 10 days, a tiny trip, but we’re going somewhere we’ve never been before and I’m hoping I’ll be able to share it with you live so that’s something really exciting. It’ll give us a lovely little boost before Christmas. We have so many lovely things coming up over the next couple of weeks and then we are currently talking about what’s going to happen next year in terms of travel of which I’m already so excited about. Potentially we’re going to two new countries and travelling in a way we’ve not traveled before so that is really exciting. It’s obviously also something to think about logically because of the economy. I don’t want travel to be the reason we fall apart when we have responsibilities at home as well. There’s gonna be a lot of talk but I often find that that’s how we shine as a couple. We brainstorm and explore and we grow individually and together. In some way’s that’s why I write this blog because travel for me eases so many worries in my life.
I used to think it was because it was an escape, that when something bad happens I just run away but now I find it just brings out the best in me. That my anxieties just float away. Maybe it’s down to the fact that when we travel I have my itinerary and I know what to expect. There are no questions and I feel safe. I’m safe from the unknown. For instance today, our igniter broke on our oven and it seems that every year something big goes wrong in our home. You can’t predict it nor can you run away. You have to find the easiest way through anxieties or none. I also think travel just brings out the best in me and that’s because the anxieties of PCOS, mental health and homelife (to a certain degree) don’t exist in my travel brain. They’re all gone for a short portion of time. I get to exist as who I am. I don’t have PCOS nor does my brain hate me.
The plan is to continue travelling on a budget because we, quite frankly, don’t know how to go backwards. It’s not that we would not worry about money when it comes to travel, you just make it work but now we realise it’s not about the money you spend, it’s about the experience you have and they don’t have to cost the world. We have done that for so long. Since the covid pandemic really. We have changed so much as travellers that it would seem almost foreign to go backwards.
Really looking forward to the next couple of weeks and seeing what actually happens next year so stay tuned and thanks for sticking around.
This is my highlight from Day 6 of our recent trip to Scotland to drive the NC500 route.
The links for the itinerary and recap of this day are below. I hope one day you experience this magical route for yourself.
Wailing widow falls is 50 foot high and flows off a nearby Loch. Read the linked blog below to find out about our eventful walk to see the waterfall from above and why this part of the day was such a turn in the other direction.
As you will gather, the day so far had been really special. Smoo Cave, pristine beaches and a shoe losing incident that had me nearly peeing my pants. Although I did have to pee behind some heather eventually or actually pee my pants. The whole trip so far had been a test on whether my sciatic nerve would let me walk where and when I wanted to. So far so good. Arthurs Seat. Duncansby Stacks. Big Burn Falls. All amazing days with the stubbornness in me pushing my body to its painful limits.
Wailing Widow falls presented a new idea of waterfalls to this lover of the cascading beauties. It flows directly from Loch na Gainmhich and having seen it partially from above, it was an exciting thought to see it from the riverbed below.
Advertised as being one of the easiest and shortest walks in Scotland, my feet and back were thrilled at the idea. Something that excites me about hiking is how new it still feels to me. Having travelled extensively but never really done the Uk breaks before, I have a newfound love for hiking. It started in August 2021 when we took a short break to Northumberland and fell head over heels for the challenges of hiking the hills to reach the rewards waiting at the end of the trails. This is where my obsession with waterfalls started and in 2 short days we had hiked to 4 complete stunners. We also turned our feet to the trail alongside Hadrian’s wall to Sycamore Gap. As a complete novice, my only real piece of walking attire are my boots. When I slip them on I feel powerful and I trust them to stop me slipping and tripping. Other clothing is simple layers under a thick fleece gilet and beanie hat. I am yet to look into proper waterproofs as shopping while living in a bigger body is fraught with frustrations and feelings of inadequacies. And yet, so far, the odd rain shower has not deterred us from taking on the northern temperatures and changes in weather.
As someone who has and does travel for pleasure, I have questioned myself quite often in the past year as to why this new found enjoyment of walking has become so embedded into who I am. The pleasures I usually find on holidays are wandering around a city or laying on a beach. I sometimes wonder if this new obsession will run its course, as is so often the case for new found hobbies, and yet we are already in the midst of planning two more hiking holidays. I think something I don’t want to face up to a lot of the time is not having the confidence to do these things. I will still catch myself looking at other people on hikes and wonder what they are thinking when they are looking at me. Are they questioning whether I should be on these walks? Hell, on Arthurs seat, I came down from the top scooting on my bum and felt quite embarrassed as it is one of the first hikes we have done where we have been surrounded by hoards of people. The usual places we go to are really quiet. I scooted down the sides of two secluded waterfalls in Northumberland last year, got covered in mud and didn’t care an iota. I hate the part of myself that desperately clings to others’ perceptions of me on the path of loving myself.
I believe the reason I have enjoyed hiking so much is coming to realise that the body I live in and have hated for so long is capable of so much more than I give it credit for. Having spent many vacations walking around cities and the odd day spent trailing across London I know that my walking endurance has always been there. Yet something about the hills, rocky slopes and stumbling pathways of the UK feels different. It feels like an accomplishment to return to the car, coated in grime and sweat, having been out in the elements relying only on my body’s strength to get me through. There have been times when a simple guide on the internet will describe the walk as 2 miles and yet when you are on trail you realise this is most definitely not the case. But by the time your brain catches up with your feet and logic kicks in you are invested and it no longer matters. The journey is just as important as the ending. The legs once so fat in your mind’s eye are pushing on. The only thing that stops them is you.
That is why when planning our trip to Scotland it was less about Edinburgh and the towns and more about hikes and rivers and lochs and everything in between. Both Mr W and I feel such a great need to keep this new love for the outdoors alive that we have approached travelling in this fresh way without too much trepidation.
Maybe that is why when my confidence came crashing down around me I took it so badly.
As I said above, the advice online about the walk to Wailing Widow falls said it was a short and simple walk. We had already noticed that the western side of the Highlands was much soggier than the east and yet armed with our boots we ventured onto the trail heads held high. From only about 10 metres into the walk we noticed just how different this was from other walks we had taken in the UK. Where most trails were signposted. This was not. Where most walks had clear pathways. This did not. Where other walks had rails or even trees to cling to. This DID NOT. In fact the only picture I can paint in your mind is this. Imagine a fast flowing river on your right. It isn’t deep, it’s very clear and it is very cold. Rather than running alongside a well defined river bank, there are rocks and custard thick pools of mud that meet the waters edge. In front of you are a few deeply set footprints in the mud which help you navigate the way. The ‘path’ is not flat and seems to follow a very up and down pattern much like a constant seesawing motion along the riverbank. When the ground levels out there are enormous boulders you have to climb, stretch and pray your way over. You pray that the mud on your boots won’t cause you to slip. The rocks in the ground are not steadfast and they too seesaw in their muddy grottos under your feet.
Now, I am a stubborn person. I will always try before walking away. In fact we made it over 60% along this trail before I realised that my anxiety was taking over and my brain was no longer operating my limbs. For every step I took Mr W was checking the route beforehand. If the mud wasn’t threatening to slide my legs into the river the moving forwards were going to throw me in. After 30 minutes or so, my anxiety exploded out of my body in one of, if not THE, worst panic attacks I have ever had in my life. My whole being sensed the danger and I started shaking and crying. I clung to my husband with actual fear flooding through my veins. He tried to get me to calm down and yet I felt like I was going to die. Looking back, I know if I had fallen in the water, other than being cold and wet, I would not have died and I would have been able to stand quite easily in knee deep water. And yet, on that riverbank, with the unsteady boulders and boulders and thick mud, my brain and the logic it brings with it, shut down.
As I stood in absolute fear and panic, two women walked towards us having completed the trek. I turned quickly to hide my face. It was a response I didn’t question at the time but it is only now I know why I didn’t want them to see me. With my face strewn with tears and my lip quivering I didn’t want to be the fat girl who couldn’t complete the walk. Who am I to think they even cared about me, albeit if you see someone crying, you naturally want to check if they are okay. But who am I to think that they are considering my weight and my ability over their own footfall. My god, I need to get out of this pattern of thinking. At that moment in time, those ladies were watching their feet and the sketchy landscape around us a whole lot more than thinking about my dress size.
The truth of the matter is, and something Mr W and have spoken about at length, is that trail is really dangerous. Upon further investigation online I found a lot of advice about the walk that said how risky it was. With a clear mind upon our return I naturally started thinking about each day and visit and what they entailed. When I thought of this particular visit I started piecing together the images and realised that the slopes of the riverbank had slipped and we had been navigating the aftermath of rock and earth.
I am also now very aware that my confidence in hiking will take a hit now and again because no walk is ever going to be the same. Just because my ability is better than I thought it initially was does not mean I can do everything. When I see other people looking at me in such a mess I naturally think they are seeing my weight and coming to their own conclusions. Fortunately I have given myself a massive figurative slap round the face. My weight does not stop me stepping onto muddy river banks. Nor does it stop me balancing on a rock that is moving under my feet. My fear stops me doing those things. I am afraid because it is a new situation. I am still learning about my abilities in this new hobby.
That day, my confidence took a massive hit. I stood shaking and hysterical amongst those muddy boulders clinging to Mr W with my entire being because fear had finally found me. Why then, have I set out to describe this visit as a highlight to you?
Sitting in the car afterwards, I felt the flooding of anger replace my fear. As we drove to our next stop I watched the mountain ranges and let their calming influence take hold of me. This was one moment in a wonderful day. You have to take the bad with the good. Not two hours before had I been bent double, clenching my legs together, unable to breathe through the laughter. This was not a bad day. It was a bad paragraph in what was a pretty phenomenal chapter.
I still sit here and regret not overcoming my fears that day. I regret that so far I haven’t seen that waterfall and I regret crumbling so much like that riverbank. My fear in the moment engulfed my stubbornness to carry on and I learned that as much as I need to recognise the strengths in my body, I need to acknowledge the weaknesses too. There was a reason for me to be scared that day. I had reached the limits of what I was used to and what I could push myself to do. As someone living in a bigger body and hating that body for my whole life I will always blame my size for my physical limitations and yet that day it was my mind that stopped and said no. As someone who has been bigger than most people my age in every situation I will also put limitations on what I should or should not be doing. Don’t get up and dance at the wedding reception, I tell myself, people will only stare. Don’t wear the dungarees, it’ll show your belly in a way people aren’t used to. Don’t hike that river, your legs can’t carry you.
What a load of bull. Since covid I have danced at parties without the need of an alcoholic drink to stop that voice. I have bought dungarees and am slowly starting to change my wardrobe to reflect the style I think I like. It is hard to say if I do like something for sure or not because I don’t think I’ve ever found a style I am comfortable in, but that is one huge other discussion I will find time to go over at some point. I have believed my legs can carry me over hills, rock faces and treacherous river banks. It is only when my mind shut my body down that I recognised the weaknesses in me deserve a voice. And they have nothing to do with my weight.
On social media there are photos of children in their clean and ironed school uniforms. They are standing still for the first photo of the new school year. There are remarks about how time has flown and how much has changed in one year.
I’ve never noticed it before but today was unreal. Photo after photo. And then there’s me excited to be travelling again soon. It made me feel like travel is our baby. That with others around me chatter revolves around children and babies and with us it is what country or city is next. Is travel a distraction? Is that all it has ever been?
That may sound dramatic but when you start feeling like something is missing in your life you ultimately look back at choices to see if things could have been different. The truth is that no, travel, although an escape in my late teens/early twenties, is one of the greatest joys in my life today. It makes me strong, confident and the best version of myself. I am grateful to be able to still go out into the world as much as we do now and to have Mr W with me.
Today I started feeling really guilty about the time I have spent travelling instead of finding a way to deal with my fertility issues. Hey guess what, if you had a baby six years ago, you’d be sending a child off to school today. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. But again, you question everything in your life when you are feeling particularly sad. What could I have done differently? Nothing.
And that’s the truth.
I hope when the day comes that I’ll show my child the picture of me in my uniform and tell them about my school days. I hope to take the picture of them on the doorstep as they take the leap into their scholastic life. One day I hope to share that photo with the people around me who have waited just as long as me to see it.
For now I have no one to send to school. So I take the joy in the things I do have instead of those I don’t. I want to be mentally healthy for the baby I will one day hold in my arms.
Today I donned a blue dress. I’m not a fan of blue but it was a special occasion.
A baby shower for my cousin. She is having a little boy.
Hence the blue.
The balloons were hung with care. The sandwich platters laid out just so. The sun even made an appearance. Do I like baby showers? Yes. Do I find them difficult? Also yes.
It’s a reason to eat party food, which are just little bite sized morsels of foods of your own choosing, get together with loved ones and a chance to celebrate the future. Someone in your life is happy and therefore sharing that happiness is only natural.
Today was no different. There was chatter and laughter. Quizzes and games. The games had us guessing the weight, name and arrival date of the baby boy. Even though when the event was announced I had been apprehensive about going, I didn’t feel anxious or upset by being there. By having time to prepare over the last few months, my feelings of insecurity around our own fertility was put on the backburner and I sat for hours with family enjoying the time together.
As people slowly drifted out of the door to travel home, Mr W and I sat with my cousin’s wife and thier baby while the gazebos came down and the empty plates were tidied away. Baby Grace is 5 months old and so far I’ve managed to avoid the cuddles. It has to be said she is the smiliest baby with the most adorable chubby cheeks and so my trepidation about cuddles has nothing to do with her. I’m just very aware of being around baby’s and how it can affect my mental health. Nothing like a baby being in your arms to remind you that you don’t have one of your own. And then, she was in my arms. I didn’t crumble but by now my poker face is my real face. I’m getting pretty good at it.
After everyone but us had left we stayed behind to chat. My Aunt got upset and said she wondered how on earth I had coped. Despite my insistence that I was fine she got really upset on behalf and it took a while to calm her down. In all honesty I hadn’t really felt sad until that moment. Like I said before, the time to mentally prepare for the day had helped a great amount. I was not however prepared to help someone who was sad for me.
It is a difficult path to tread when struggling with fertility. If you keep it close to your chest you end up feeling alone. There is also the odd occasion when and if someone asks what the situation is that you’ll both feel awkward for needing to discuss it. Alternatively if you do tell those around you what’s going on, you open up the can of proverbial worms which can wriggle around at any moment. They should feel comfortable to ask how things are going whenever they want to. Unfortunately it can catch you at a time when you are quite happy ignoring the situation. It then brings the whole issue to the forefront out of the blue.
So what’s the happy medium? How do we tell people so they are in the know and yet not have to talk about it when it’s the right time for them? There is now how. You can’t control it. You can perhaps ask to talk about it another time. But what if it’s a reaction like I had today, the sadness of tears. It almost feels strange to sit there consoling someone who is sad for yourself. I’ve thought about it a lot. Would I rather no one know? No, been there done that. Would I rather talk about it all the time? No. I need space from this reality from time to time.
So what is the answer?
Ultimately I don’t think there is one. I think as honest as we have been about our struggle is just how honest we have to be about our feelings when approached to talk about it. If today was a day I needed to ignore my feelings then so be it. If someone else gets upset I need to understand that too. If I need to scream I will. If we aren’t in the place to talk it is okay to say so. It all comes back to being honest and open. It’s the only way to be kind to ourselves. We told others to share a part of ourselves that is hurting. They ask because they care.
Happy September! This is the month we go on our huge road trip. Eeeee!
Tonight has been busy, busy, busy. This isn’t going to be a travel blog (boo’s from the audience). But this is a simple update about the weight lifting workouts I’ve been doing with help from Mr W.
Tuesday’s workout was not great, I managed 3 of the 5 sets as I had hurt my back. The workout took a long time as I needed help up from the bench and was very slow with the repetitions.
Today was a different story.
My brother gifted us a 10kg kettlebell and it has changed my squat game. Resting the bar on my shoulders was just hurting the top of my spine so much. I think it is something to do with my arms keeping my body centred when I’m holding the bell that is really helping too. Unfortunately it only weighs 10kg and I was squating with the bar and weights at 9kg so it’s a tiny bit more but will soon feel like nothing. BUT my legs are still feeling the burn so next week I think it would be a good idea to stick with the 10kg kettlebell but do more reps. Who knows. This is all new to me. And as I said to Mr W today I do find it boring sometimes, but this week where I’ve not felt 100% I’ve just wanted to finish it.
Squats
5 x 10kg
Mr W’s set
5 x 10kg
Mr W’s set
5 x 10kg
Mr W’s set
5 x 10kg
Mr W’s set
5 x 10kg
Mr W’s set
This is where things got interesting. Mr W actually witnessed how uncoordinated my arms are. My right is so much stronger than my left and as I progress through the set I try to adjust and the bar will wobble side to side. I’m going to keep an eye on this and see if we can adjust this as we go along. But we did up the weight today for my bench press and it was good to up the challenge. It didn’t feel too strenuous so on the last set I pushed on to see how far I could go. The weight on the bar is now up to a total of 15kg now so I’m well chuffed. The first workout was 2 weeks ago today and I have doubled (plus some) on my bench press. So mini celebration for me!
5 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
5 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
5 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
5 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
9 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
Mr W has said that my deadlifts have seemed way too easy in previous sessions, so he left his weights on today and wanted me to try. A total weight of 19kgs seemed mad. But I actually did it. He has told me that to feel the benefits you need to squeeze your core? I can’t help but laugh, all I could squeeze was my bum. So that’s a success for weight training and some knickers to eat for my bum!
5 x 19kg
Mr W’s set
5 x 19kg
Mr W’s set
5 x 19kg
Mr W’s set
5 x 19kg
Mr W’s set
9 x 19kg
Mr W’s set
This is where I surprised myself, the overhead barbell press still makes me nervous. Something about a weighted metal pole above your head and it crashing down might be it. But we kept the 15kgs on. I actually managed it! And I went above and beyond on the last two sets too. But even typing this now I can feel it in my arms, so there’s proof it is working!
5 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
5 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
5 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
6 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
9 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
I must admit I really like the ‘row’ lift and wasn’t able to do it Tuesday. We ramped up the weight today and even though I couldn’t keep up the reps after the good start I am really happy with pushing myself. Next time I’m going to build up the reps from 5, to 7 and then see how it goes. At least then there won’t be a decline. As you can see from today, I started with 10 and then reached 12 and by the fourth and fifth set I could barely do 9. So I will try next time to build it slowly.
10 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
12 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
11 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
9.5 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
9 x 15kg
Mr W’s set
So for someone who has been finding the workouts boring I was really chuffed by today’s challenges. Mr W suggested that the last repetitions of the set we should try and push ourselves. Keep ‘going until you fail’ to just make it more interesting. So that will be interesting. He also said he had been reading up on PCOS and how these low impact types of workouts are so much more beneficial than cardio workouts. I’ve discussed this before here and just knowing he has taken it on himself to look has made all the difference. If you are reading this and have PCOS you know how important it is to feel understood so make sure you surround yourselves with those that care and are willing to understand.
To those that are reading this to see what it’s like as a bigger girl. I wholeheartedly say go for it. You are in control. You say how many repetitions and how much weight. You can change weights when you feel comfortable. The most important thing is whether you enjoy it. Movement doesn’t have to be a bastard or a chore. You got this!
I hope to keep this short as my brain really needs the time to stare at the tv and switch off. For the past two nights the humidity has woken me up numerous times and I need a long shower and cool down before getting an early night. Things could be worse I am sure. But right now, I feel like a gross sticky mess and I want my bed!
Tuesday’s workout was okay. I managed all the workouts fine except the barbell deadlift where I felt my back twinge. So ended up mirroring Mr W while he had the bar to avoid any injuries.
Today, Thursday, I was determined to keep up the pace with adding more weight and stepping up to the ‘plate’ confidently. The rain was kind enough to stay away after today’s deluge in Essex. It has been glorious to smell and watch that glorious water escape the sky. Too long has it avoided our town!
I continued my squat movements from Tuesday and am faring much better. Keeping my back straight but at a different angle to the ground I am definitely able to squat lower. Today Mr W added 2 x 1kg weights to the 7kg bar. So I am up to 9kgs on my squats. I would say that the weight on this set is not the issue. It’s getting the squat movement and back angle correct. The good thing is the pain in my upper thighs is nowhere near as painful as when we first started.
Barbell squat
5 x 9kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 9kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 9kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 9kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 9kgs
Mr W’s set
I am really enjoying the barbell bench press. Today we took it up to 2 x 2kgs on the 7kg barbell and despite struggling on one lift, and then noticing I still had Mr W’s weights on the bar, it went well. I even managed more than 5 on some of the repetitions. I have adjusted my leg placement so I can keep my core in control which will hopefully mean the bar is less wobbly when I bring it back down towards my chest. I need to remember the pace of my breathing, I am focusing on my arms so much that my breathing is often out of sync. I feel more comfortable when my breathing sets the pace. It almost sets the whole situation up for control.
Barbell deadlift
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
8 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
10 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
Today’s barbell deadlift was much better. As I felt a twinge on Tuesday we only added 2 x 2kgs onto the 7kg barbell and I took it very slowly. Ironically it was the other side of my back that started twinging towards the end of the full set. I did feel it for the duration of the workout. It’s more of an ache than pain. So I’ll keep an eye on that. I must admit, this part of the whole workout is really quite boring and I know I’m not keeping my whole spine straight when I stand back up as I’m tending to look around quite a bit. As my hip’s loosen I’m hoping to add more weight and that it starts to spark some interest again.
Barbell deadlift
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
Next, my favourite, the barbell overhead press, 2 x 2kgs and the 7kg barbell. I really like the whole movement in this and the stance. I feel empowered. Like I should have my hands on my hips in the superhero pose! Today I was able to lift the bar for longer than usual but was still very aware of the weight above my face. Self confidence will come in time.
Barbell overhead press
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
6 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
8 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
The same weight was added for the barbell row and even though I could feel my back aching I found the 4kgs on the 7kg barbell relatively easy. Again I am critical of myself for keeping my arms level and working at the same pace. My body is so out of sync with itself it is unbelievable!
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
5 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
8 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
10 x 11kgs
Mr W’s set
The workouts are gradually increasing in time due to how many more repetitions Mr W is doing and the few I added on today. The sweat is coming quicker and even though it makes me feel gross, I am glad to see that the workout is having the desired effect!
Workout number three and it was time to ramp it up. Oh, less clothing means less sweat! Who knew?
Poised for action in shorts, a strappy top and trainers with one sock to cover up a semi-blister from yesterday’s mammoth 15,969 steps I was ready for the barbell.
Mr W wanted to add weight on the first workout and I point blank knew that my legs are really struggling with the barbell back squats. It was only yesterday that my legs felt normal after last week’s two workouts. I think Mr W believes I can do more. But I see this as a marathon not a sprint.
Stepping up to the bar and moving downwards, my legs instantly refused to squat lower than I wanted to push them and the 7kg bar resting on my shoulders was the last thing on my mind. A set of 5×5 squats later and mind over matter was not present. My squatting resembled nothing similar to what I have seen from others online. Rome wasn’t built in a day. And I need to remind myself of this. One squat at a time.
Next up, the barbell bench press, laying down feels good. After a busy day yesterday I could definitely have a nap. But no relaxing just yet. Mr W has fashioned a barbell rack out of some timber and even though he keeps an eye on me, ya know in case I drop the solid metal bar on my face, it allows the feeling for control over your whole space. He added two 1kg weights to the baras last week’s set proved really quite simple. Straightening my back on the bench to keep my shoulders level, I raised the new weight of 9kg above my face and into the sky. Counting to five, I only wobbled at ‘3’. The weight isn’t the issue, the control of the motion becomes wobbly at times. I am not coordinated. It is, however, fascinating to breathe in and out to calm your mind so it can guide your body to control its own muscles. It takes you inside your being. I am finding it more interesting than I thought I would. That is, until a flock of seagulls flew overhead and I found my eyes following them.
Barbell deadlift next, 7kg bar with an added 6kgs of weight. Hello 13kg. Kept my arms straight this time, Mr W pointed out the extra weight would help with this technique and it did. This set is still really boring. Although, I imagine with more weight, all in good time, this will become more challenging and therefore enjoyable.
Barbell overhead press, 4kg was removed here, very smart considering the bar would be above my face while I stood beneath it. Up, down, up, down. All very good and almost… ah, I’m going to say it, fun. I found my control here at its best and therefore I was able to move my arms faster than the other workouts. This was also the case for the ‘row’ movements.
It feels good to be moving my body, feeling the after effects and yet still really enjoying it. I am working with my body and I don’t feel like I am punishing it. I wonder if there will be a day when I look back at this and utter the words, ‘oh you naive fool.’
As someone who needs to lose weight to qualify for fertility help from the NHS, who is trying to love herself and also keep exercising while keeping it as low impact as possible whilst recognising that it also needs to burn fat, you can imagine working out is really quite a challenge.
The NHS wants my BMI to be lower in order for me to qualify for the next stage of fertility help. The medication I hope they give me will force my ovaries to release eggs at the opportune time in the hopes that I’ll fall pregnant.
Having hated my body since I can remember I have recently discovered a podcast where loving yourself is the name of the game no matter what size and shape you are. (Link below) Their very motto is ‘the way you look is the least interesting thing about you’. As you can imagine it takes a lot to recondition your mind after 25+ years of self hatred. I’m no way near loving myself but I am starting to realise that my value has nothing to do with my weight. My thoughts, kindness and ability to love is not weighed on the bathroom scales. It is not in my dress size. I have touched on this before in my ‘Wear the damn shorts’ blog. (Link also below). Recently I have branched ever so slightly outside of my comfort zone when it comes to clothing. Granted I’m wearing dresses but I’m actually liking the clothes I am wearing rather than picking them just because they fit.
Due to my everlasting need to find the best way to live with my Pcos I have spent a rather large amount of time on forums etc. There are pages of advice on supplements and tips to lessen the symptoms of this condition. One of the symptoms is weight gain and in order to control this weight there are several things you can try. There is no guarantee. If you want to lose weight there are many trialled and tested tips out there and you just have to see what works for you. Last year, Mr W and I conquered the NHS couch to 5k programme. I was so chuffed with myself. I finished without any wobbles. We restarted the programme this year and, whether it was my body or mind, I simply could not do it. No amount of telling myself I had done it once before, meaning I could do it again, could break through the self doubt barrier and I stopped. I’ve looked closer at exercises and workouts I can do that won’t place stress on the cells of my bodys, causing more flare ups of this condition, and Mr W and I have started weight training. The key, apparently,is to do low impact workouts for a maximum of 15 minutes. No wonder running for up to 30 minutes wasn’t doing anything for me. Go figure.
It is quite the conundrum. Love myself regardless of my weight. Change my weight to suit the bureaucracy of the NHS. And find the perfect exercise that will keep me interested, losing weight and my body stress free.
Mr W compiled the below information for me to look at:
A 5×5 workout comprises compound barbell movements — like squats and deadlifts — using heavy weights and lower repetitions per set. As the name implies, a 5×5 workout usually involves 5 sets of 5 repetitions.
The goal is to build strength in compound movements by adding weight every time you do the workout. You’ll only do these workouts 3 times a week, as the rest days in between workouts are crucial to encouraging muscle growth.
The barbell movements are as follows:
barbell back squat
barbell bench press
barbell deadlift
barbell overhead press
barbell row
The combination of these movements works most of the large muscles in your body.
So if you are into weight training, the above will make sense to you and you may as well skip the next few paragraphs. So a barbell is a long bar of metal on which you can fix weighted discs of metal. Our barbell is 7kgs and while I get used to the exercises themselves we are just using the bar. In time, weight will gradually be added to increase the training.
At present, Mr W does 5 reps of the first exercise, then I do 5, then him and so on until we have each completed the 5 sets of repetitions. Then we move onto the next exercise.
Barbell back squat – this involves the bar being held around the back of your head, across the top of your shoulders while you squat. This workout is a bitch. After two sessions my muscles on the topside of my thighs are screaming! Walking up and down the stairs, even sitting down, is not fun right now, but I’m kind of glad of the pain. It makes me realise the workout is actually doing its thing!
Barbell bench press – this one has you laying down on a workout bench and lifting the barbell up above your body and down again. So far, it’s not too bad, I’m not sure if my body is feeling the benefits and it may mean adding weights to the bar sooner rather than later. The biggest flaw right now is keeping the bar straight. All in good time!
Barbell deadlift – now, this move I could not get my head around. You are basically lifting the bar from ankle height (in the future when weights are on either end, the weighted bar will be able to sit on the ground) and lifting it to your hips. Keeping your arms straight and bringing your hips forward to meet the bar. It is supposed to loosen your hips. In our first session I couldn’t get my head around the straight arms before seeing that my back was also straight. In order to achieve the move, you need to slightly bend your back and knees. Before straightening fully. Today’s second session was much easier. Eureka!
Barbell overhead press – relatively easy now, but i know once weight is added, I’ll regret saying it. You stand straight and lift the bar from your shoulders straight up into the sky. As we stand in the garden, I am able to watch its progress as it meets the sky and my eyes line it up with the roofline of our house. Slow and steady.
Barbell row – so far this move has stumped me. It doesn’t feel like my body is working to achieve it. You stand legs straight, bent over at the waist. Barbell in hand you move it towards the ground and back to your chest in a rowing motion. In order to not fall over, it helps to raise your head slightly. We watch ourselves in the large window in front of us and it definitely helps. Today, I moved my hands further inwards, towards the middle of the bar, and I felt the muscles in my shoulders working.
After our second session, my second ever, I can say I am finding it enjoyable. Nothing gets in the way, no bouncing boobs are threatening to derail my balance. There are no threats of a dodgy pothole making me fall. I am in complete control of the bar and it makes me feel so much more connected to my body. Running took me outside my body and all I saw was my legs acting of their own accord. I was connected only to doubt. With the bar I am in charge. The pains in my legs will hopefully subside and I like to think that as my interest and ability grows then so will my confidence in intuitive movement. I want it to feel good to exercise because then there is then more chance that I will stick to it. Right now, I am seeing it as a challenge. I just have to work it out.
Framework Travel 