Tag: lost

A day in the life of…anxious nerd edition

This will be short and sweet. I need sleep. Like… a lot of sleep. 

Tomorrow is my HSG scan and having never had one before I am slightly nervous. HSG scans are done to detect any problems in the womb or fallopian tubes. Primarily it is a box to be ticked for the NHS while we stroll through the winding maze of fertility help. The procedure will start with a dye being injected into my cervix and then an x-ray will be taken of my uterus to rule out any problems that blood tests and other scans cannot detect. There is a chance I’ll be in mild discomfort throughout and possibilities of cramping after. Oh what fun!

Ultimately these tests are there to rule out anything else that may be causing my fertility problems, but it is also another uncomfortable box to tick, another hoop to jump through for paperwork that treats us like a number instead of people. I wish this whole ‘journey’ was easier. I wish I didn’t have to be naked from the waist down in front of another stranger. So far, I’ve had three external exams and three not so external exams. That’s three women who have seen parts of me I’d rather lock away from the world. Mr W can’t even be in the room with me this time, due to the x-ray machine, and that means this anxious lady is going to cry. Whether it hurts or not is not why I’ll cry, it will be the feeling of shame, embarrassment and, dare I say, violation. I feel violated every single time. Yes I give my permission, but damn it feels so invasive. It also makes me feel turned inside out, like they’re turning me out like a bag trying to find a problem. I just feel like a vessel that is broken. 

Christ, that turned down a path I didn’t realise existed. Maybe I did realise. But maybe, jumping through these hoops while riding this rollercoaster of emotions feels futile sometimes. It is so hard to work out whether you are actually cared about by the doctor sitting in front of you or whether he actually thinks you need these tests. Is he just going through the motions? I very nearly had a 4th scan in 2021 down to an admin error. A completely unnecessary scan that was meant for someone else. If I hadn’t questioned it I would have had it without reason. It wouldn’t have made any sense on my file and the only thing it would have done is chip away at my remaining dignity. 

I am well aware that there are other procedures out there that are more invasive and are thrust upon people more than 3 times in their life. I am also very aware that after the two years of being mucked around by the NHS I have very little faith in their processes. So this journey we are on has, so far, left my mental health beaten up by an unexpected battle to get here today. Having a scan that I may or may not need. It is not lost on me that the scan may show something I, we, the previous doctor has been unaware of. I am prepared to accept further complications. What I wasn’t prepared for was the doctor saying that it wouldn’t do any harm having a HSG, just cos. I’ll tell you what buddy, let’s use this speculum on you and see what’s going on down there, just cos.  

Tonight we continued our very long tour through our DVDs. (Yes we still own dvds.) They are, obviously, hey it’s me, arranged in alphabetical order and once they were unpacked onto the beautiful shelving Mr W made all those years ago, we made a pact to watch every single film in order. We are now in our sixth year of watching said movies and are only just finishing the ‘P’s’. It was the turn of one of my movies tonight and although a favourite of mine at age 14, I could not stop myself from enjoying it even now. Mr W sat in silence as I smiled and laughed my way through. It was definitely not his cup of tea and yet he didn’t mock me. He did wince when I told him there was a sequel that I unfortunately do not own. Woe is life. 

It crossed my mind as I brushed my teeth and came up to bed. When I sat on my very grown up bed, in our grown up home, that we pay for with our grown up money, the fear I have for tomorrow comes from a place inside where the child who laughed at that movie still lingers. She wants to stamp her foot and tell the doctors off for putting women through the tests just to tick some boxes. She wants to shout out her name and make it clear she’s not a number. She just wants to be a kid again when things were easy. 

This anxious nerd just wants to be on a real rollercoaster and get lost in a maze because it’s fun. I want to feel and know that everything will be okay again. That I won’t get lost down the rabbit hole of poor mental health because this battle took everything away without giving anything back. 

Driving a wardrobe

Today Mr W got his first glimpse of the NC500 itinerary. 

We sat and scrolled through all of it together. I was so nervous. It’s 6 months in the making and lots and LOTS of research. Up until today I hadn’t even thought to check the word count. It comes in at a hefty 11,000 words. It finally feels finished now that my partner in crime has seen it. 

There are some checks to be made in terms of the postcodes for the hidden locations and truth be told I’m looking to use the ‘what 3 words’ app. This hones down an area by using three random words. And is accurate down to the last 3 metres squared. It’s already all done online, worldwide so I just have to put my brain into gear and spend a day sorting it. With over 80 locations and hotels it’ll be a feat of concentration for sure. A lot of the places we are visiting are described rather than having an address so this will cut a lot of time and guesswork out of the driving. As too many of the places don’t exactly have car parks and you need to rely on laybys we need to have our locations pretty spot on.

When it comes to car parks in general there’s no definitive information on some about payment etc. So it’s another thing to remember to carry a supply of change etc. 

We also discussed lots of ideas about how we will travel in terms of luggage. We’re pretty set on how the food supplies will work. We’ll have meals on the go in one box, snacks and drinks in two more and then the breakfasts and dinners in the back of the car so we can grab them for the evenings. We’ve decided to take one big piece of luggage for clothing such as trousers, tops etc and then a smaller bag for underwear and other small items. We can then compartmentalise the car, much like a wardrobe, and it’ll make grabbing what we need really easy. The idea behind all this planning and strategizing is minimising the amount of time we hunt through luggage and boxes for what we need. We want the car to be like our home on wheels. We have drawers at home for socks. So we will come up with a similar concept in the car. As we will be on the road, in-between hotels for 10-15 hours, we need to be able to cut down on the faffing about. So streamlining the process of reaching our hotel and checking in is really important to me. To check in with our valuables and an overnight bag is our plan. 

As Mr W proclaimed today, this kind of organising effort is right up my street so I’m not worried at all. There are going to be days that we’ll feel like zombies, but as my darling husband announced today, ‘this is an adventure’. And I simply cannot wait!

Oh and a little update on our pool-time extravaganza today. The sun didn’t emerge from the clouds until after 2pm and by that time it was hidden behind the huge trees behind our house. To say the water was cold is an understatement and after many huffs and puffs from me, we moved the pool to higher and hotter ground, it’s now ready for the summer festivities and I am ready for it! It is now also in a place that is not overlooked, which means I’ll be wearing a bikini for the first time in my life and owning every single second of it!

Lost

There are times my mental health seems bad to me. 

There are times it seems bad to others. This is when it is at its hardest. Like I’m lost down a rabbit hole but I don’t know how I got there. I was quite happy amongst the roots and dirt not knowing any differently. It’s hard to find your way out when you are told it’s not the place you belong. Not where people want to see you. And all along you thought everything was okay.

Maybe I am lost down the rabbit hole. And have forgotten what the outside world looks like. 

Maybe starting writing again has made me delve back into my old self. She is deep thinking and not participating in the real world. And yet I’m told my writing is powerful. But it’s making me a ghost in life. It’s sad because I thought I was okay. At least I had the outer appearance of being okay, while everything inside isn’t. Well, is and isn’t. 

Maybe I’m just floating along content in the displacement. It’s sad. It comes as such a shock to be told just how I appear on the outside. Like I’ve failed to exist. Exist how I should in another person’s eyes. Exist how they love me. Exist, full stop. 

Maybe I just don’t see it from my side. 

That’s a lot of maybes. It always will be. Other than an out of body experience I don’t possibly see how I’d see it from another person’s perspective. All I know is it’s sad to feel like I’m failing. To be the person people want to love. To be the better version of me. All the while thinking that’s what I was doing. 

To those who love me, know me, I’m sorry if I come across unfeeling and lost. 

I’ll do my best to do better.