Scars

They remind us of where we’ve been, what we’ve done and what we’ve lived through. Big or small; they all have a story. Real or unseen; they sometimes never heal. Nothing looks the same again now the rose-tinted glasses have fallen.

The tissue that covers the once exposed wound is like the denial you live in everyday; it covers the bad but still shouts out for attention. like a tattooist you gave them permission to cut into you, deep, leaving an everlasting mark on your history. On your being. On every hope you ever had. We can look at the irreversible scars as bars we are trapped behind. The lines we once crossed and can’t erase. The marks made we didn’t see until etched too dark to delete. We see the history on our skin everyday; play it though our minds interwoven with shattered dreams. I pull down my cuff, my sleeve is my silver lining. I no longer fear the past. The damage is done; it is not bigger than me. It’s as big as I allow it to be. The rain stops and the sun peeks from behind the smallest cloud. The rays nourish me, the scar isn’t as ugly anymore, it fades with the impending hope. We grow from our past. I am bigger and stronger than my past will ever be. The path we have led winds back and away. You can move forward.

They are the map of the past. Leading us into a clearer future.

Photo by Dave Watson

Please check out his work on https://www.instagram.com/davewatson_uk/ or at https://davewatson1980.picfair.com

Wearing a smile

For better, for worse.

That’s the wedding vow isn’t it.

I never would have anticipated the sheer amount of stress my mental health would put my husband under.

Today after a long day on the road for work, he drove me to another shop in search of a dress and then an outfit for an upcoming trip.

He hung around outside of the changing rooms. While I pulled on uncomfortable items. One after one. Short length jeans that were still too long, hey I’m 5’5, that’s average! A simple dress that draped on the floor making it unwearable. And a jacket that creased like paper everytime I moved my arms. Let me be clear here. I’m not complaining. I’m bemused. I went to the one shop near me that caters to my size and came away empty handed. Mr W was the dutiful husband who said everything looked fine, but truth be told, I wasn’t willing to spend money on something I didn’t wholly love in the mirror.

And even though yesterday I was upset, today I’m just bemused. I’m laughing that at average height I still found the trousers and dress too long. It’s funny that every item of clothing came up differently on my body. Sizewise I mean. I tried on a range of four sizes and I walked away feeling exceptionally picky.

So for one of the first times in my life I didn’t settle. It would have been easy for sure. If the shoe fits, wear it right? But god what ugly, ill made shoes! I do make myself laugh!

Walking away from the shop, Mr W asked if I was okay. And the truth was yes and I still am.

When I am walking around on our mini-break I will be grateful for the legs that carry me through the National Park. Not the ripped jeans I have no choice but to clothe them in. When my shoulders carry the burden of my backpack with my snacks, raincoat and water bottle, I won’t be thinking of the clothes that keep them warm.

It isn’t life or death. There will be other times and opportunities to look damn fabulous. How I react is the only control I have in this situation. And I choose happiness.

I choose to plaster a smile on my face. Not a fake, faux or little one. But a full, reaching my eyes, chipmunk cheek smile. Because nothing but our enjoyment matters on this trip. I’ll be sliding on my bum to the base of a waterfall and quite possibly catching the raindrops on my head. So me, my ripped jeans and my tatty jumper are going all in!

I deserve that. It doesn’t matter what I wear as long as a smile is on my face. Mr W deserves that. Happy times.

For better, for worse. Always

Photo by Dave Watson

Please check out his work on https://www.instagram.com/davewatson_uk/ or at https://davewatson1980.picfair.com