Tag: fertility journey

Drowning in prayers

Because there is no life without the wave. That was it. That’s all. Everything. A greatness that had engulfed her but not suffocated her in its depths, but pushed her to the surface with grace and adoration. Two working together to keep one another flowing. Their time together seemingly short but lasting a lifetime. Relying on each other for their strength and power. The hidden depths don’t frighten her and its power over her is forgotten in that brief but unending moment. Crashing her against the rocks unforgiving and endlessly painful the wave beats her. Its power once overlooked is the death of them both. She would have drowned in the idea, yet ‘the wave’ casts her aside with the other debris. The wave will keep coming back, and she playing in the surf mournfully remembers the time she had wanted to join its deafening silence, the crashing stillness. When it does come back she allows the ice cold thought to embrace her soul again before being thrown against the shore. She knows no other way than this. She could move to calmer waters but hears the call of waves breaking and knows…. only too well…. she will eventually drown in salty tears.

Photo by Dave Watson
Please check out his work on https://www.instagram.com/davewatson_uk/ or at https://davewatson1980.picfair.com

When you wish upon a star




Recently I have started to lose a lot of hope and am finding solace in my dreams. In my night-time escapades I am pregnant, we have a child, we are floating along a blissful highway of completeness and can travel anywhere in the world without flight cancellations and the threat of covid. There is a lot to stay asleep for. The stars shine outside in the night sky blinking on regardless.

With all our education into what is out there; even the most learned man, woman and child glances up at the night sky and projects their hopes and dreams into the big dark nothing. We cannot dictate our dreams, we cannot sleep and live forever in the playground of the night. So our second best bet is to send our wishes into the universe hoping the stars hear our calls and grant us their magic. For what are the lights in the darkness but hope and safety.

The facts say that millions upon millions of miles away there are balls of gases that burn so spectacularly bright that we can see them, even here. The light travels through space and time to us and even long after the gases have burnt out, the light continues on. Reaching out.

If we trace the night sky and find a star to wish upon it’ll become like an old friend you return to. And forever you’ll find your star out there. No dream dies as long as there is hope. No star dies without one final light in the sky. So as long as we continue to project hopes to the stars there is no hope to be lost. It is travelling through the big nothing to reach your star and when it does I like to think that light will fill your life and your belief will burn brighter than it ever did before. It’s believing in more than facts. It’s believing that one day your star will come through. It’s knowing that the simple things in life bring the brightest lights out.

All you need to do is reach right back to it. Don’t lose hope. The stars are always there. And in turn hope is always there.

And that ‘when you wish upon a star your dreams come true.’

Through the fire and the rain

Well we survived.

Our first fertility appointment is done. There were some expected moments. Weight, BMI etc. Other unexpected moments, like the explaining of certain things with diagrams and having read my history which the last guy didn’t bother doing. I’m having a procedure which I was not expecting but am taking it as another ruling out of any unseen problems. There were two moments that upset me. Or maybe, angered me, I’m not sure.  The Doctor asked me a question and while I was talking his mobile phone rang and he answered it. I continued talking to the nurse and when the Doctor had told the person on the phone he would call back later, he asked me to repeat what I’d said. No! How about you not take a personal call while your patient is in the room, talking and answering your question. But no obviously I didn’t say that, I just repeated myself. All he had to do was say, sorry excuse me one moment, answer the phone, tell them he would call them back. But he said nothing of the sort. To be honest, it is things like that I don’t accept from anyone so me feeling anxious and nervous about the appointment didn’t add to it. It’s just plain rude. I’m a person. Not a number on a sheet. ANYWAY! The other was when I asked for weight loss advice and he said I don’t know. Nice and blunt. Thanks buddy. So I’ve taken to the internet again and will call my GP because trying for 20 years has got me nowhere. 

But ya know what, I’d fed up with having all the research in the world and it still does not get me anywhere with the NHS. They have their criteria and I can either like it or lump it. I’m not a naturally rebellious person but it does feel like the criteria is old and unbefitting of the fertility problems people face. Especially those with PCOS. The thing is, I can sit, stand, stomp my foot screaming and shouting the actual facts of PCOS and it won’t make a difference. I’m one voice. The government does not care. The top dogs in the NHS who govern fertility funding do not care. And I’ve reached the point that its time to jump through their hoops. I have no fight left in me. I have to prepare for the fight of losing a substantial amount of weight if I ever have a chance of getting help. It may happen naturally if I lose weight. Who knows. There’s a chance. But if I dont fall naturally I still fit their stupid criteria and have a chance of ovulation and hormone drugs. Some would liken it to blackmail. We’ll do ‘this’ if you do ‘that’. It’s sad when you really think about it. Because PCOS isn’t caused by weight. If they treated the causes, treated what I’m deficient in I could be a happy, healthy curvy mum. Rather than unhappy, unhealthy, skinny tick on the criteria. 

Jumping through the hoop is the only way. Time to bite the bullet and play their game. 

And I’m coming to peace with it. It was driving home today in the rain when I looked in the mirror and saw the most beautiful colours in the sun setting sky. On the mirror were droplets from the weather, but in the mirror were the reds and purples that glowed between the rain clouds. I often look to the sky for guidance and a sense of calming. It’s my place of perspective. 

The sky tonight was no different. It told me that though the rain may be hard and make you want to turn back, scream or shout, wondering if you can carry on, it can also mean that something beautiful is waiting on the other side. That giving it time, to be cold and rough and tough to face, rain can also be what’s needed to make a better tomorrow. So I’m taking solace in the rain and the sunset tonight. Sometimes the journey will experience hard times, rain does that. Sometimes it’ll make things blurry and shift the focus. But it’s not forever. The appointment was hard, the journey seems harder but at least I’m on my journey now, with Mr W, and it’s on the way to something beautiful.