Tag: emotions

Positivi-tea

One cup of positivity

½ cup of reality

3 spoons of sugar

One cup of gratitude

And a pinch of looking around and taking it all in

A cup of positivi-tea. Boil yourself a brew. 

You may have read my piece ‘Mental health: triggers’ (linked below). If you did, you’ll now know about the impact negativity has on my mental health. The problems of being a people pleaser and an emotional cheerleader is draining. In my own being I am inherently a negative person. I look at myself with less than loving eyes and foresee potential problems to safeguard myself against future worries. Silly when tomorrow’s worries become today’s sleepless nights. Ironically I don’t want others to feel bad in their lives and try to be a positive influence on them. I am the epitome of not living by my own advice. Silly girl.

I have started to view the world in a rather ‘off’ way recently as I recognise my own mental health triggers. I have seen maybe what I have not seen before and wondered if my eyes have deceived me. Has my new awakening conjured up the negative people or have they been there all along?

It wasn’t until I was watching the news reports on the passing of our Queen that a particular phrase struck me. The man being interviewed had been asked how he thought the world would react to Her Majesty’s passing. He said the obvious things about sadness and grief and yet went on to say how the world of late had become very angry. Though this is a natural reaction when grieving, he said it in a way that it would be outside of the grief, and just how people are used to reacting today. It got me thinking about how true he was. I started to wonder why the world is so angry. 

Is anger the go to emotion?

Covid. Lockdowns. Money. Bills. Elections. Politicians. 

The unrest of the last 30 months has been so unprecedented that the human race has become the tennis ball being hit backwards and forwards at such a rate that we are all worn and befuddled. I understand the reaction. I even understand the anger. We are the proverbial two year old who is tired and yet doesn’t want to sleep. We want ice cream, a pony ride, a big fluffy blanket, pasta, our favourite movies, a day at the beach and hugs all at once. Now! We need constant reassurance. We are catching up with the events of 2020 while navigating 2022 and wondering where on earth the year 2021 went. We are battling through a kind of PTSD while engaging with more battles foreseen and wondering when the peace will return. I understand entirely. 

What is happening is unbelievable. Incredibly implausible. Far-fetched. Unthinkable. Impossible and preposterous. What has happened is the same. What will happen is enough to make us sink to our knees and beg the world to stop spinning. 

And yet it won’t.

The only thing you can control is how you react. Everything that has happened was hard and everything that will come to pass is hard. At each step we are tested. There has been no rest. Just a hard slog through. And yet you are still here. You are choosing to continue. To not give up. Just waking up in the morning, making a cup of your favourite hot drink and walking out that front door proves you have not given up. I promise you that your reaction is your armour against whatever this life throws at you. If you need to scream. Do it. If you need to shout. Go for it. Stomp that foot. Throw those arms in the air. Bow that head with frustration. But do not give up. 

Anger is the one emotion that controls you. So let it in. Let it do its thing. And then throw it into the wind. Let the wind carry it far away. You are not anger. You are who you choose to be. Don’t let anger rule your heart. It will win. You will lose yourself. You will sink to your knees and not regain your composure. 

How you react to whatever life throws at you is the person you will be moving forward. I feel your pain. We all do. Life is damn hard. Don’t let it change who you are. You deserve so much more. 

One cup of positivity

½ cup of reality – it sucks, but it is all we have.

3 spoons of sugar – there is sweetness locked into the smallest moments, if you only take the time to seek them out. 

One cup of gratitude – put your hand on your chest. Inside is a heart that beats to keep you breathing, walking and talking. Feel the breath in your lungs. The pulse in your wrists. You are alive. 

And a pinch of looking around and taking it all in – go on, do it. 

Drink it all up. Let it warm you and comfort you. You are not alone. 

Mental health: triggers

Beautiful/Crazy

There are days when your emotions run so high and low that you can barely find balance. There are days when you wake up and you don’t want to go outside. There are days when you can barely move because you’ve been so busy the day before. There are days when you have things to do and people to see and all you want to do is avoid it all because you don’t want to plaster on a fake smile because all you can do is cry.

Today was one of those days. After a mammoth drive on jubilee Thursday we found ourselves tired and facing another busy couple of days. We had family visiting and spent the morning with them and then ran errands. We then see friends to plan for June 2023. Followed by another rushed evening and preparations for a very special person’s 90th birthday.

The party for my nan was absolutely amazing with lots of memories made with children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I watched as my brothers and their girls sat with my dad and family and I just felt the sadness creep over me. At times so consuming I was breathless. Where was my child in those pictures? I hate it when out of nowhere those feelings arrive. It’s like one minute you cannot be happier and then the next you’re crumbling. How much longer can I keep it together? I know for a large part of it it’s due to how frantic we’ve been and how tired I’ve felt but what they are real emotions and they do come from a very real place of longing. 

I was able to distract myself by tidying up toys and bringing out the birthday cake and orchestrating the family photos but ultimately it’s all a distraction. And I wish I didn’t need that distraction. I don’t want to go through life doing these things they’re a great way of passing the time between feeling happy and feeling sad and wondering what feeling will win. Nevertheless, the look on my nan’s face as she arrived to see us all singing Happy Birthday in one big surprise, giving a little speech and seeing her birthday cake was amazing. One of the best feelings. To build that joy in someone you love so deeply can never be replicated. It’s a one of a kind triumph. 

Today we went to another family party, my cousin’s 30th. I was exhausted today, it was the 4th of 4 days that we’ve been bafflingly busy. And with more than 20 people to catch up with and talk to, it was tiring just thinking of it. So I put on a dress, wrapped up warm and wore really snuggly shoes and told myself to just sit and watch what was going on. It’s the safe option. And then we were thrust into the limelight to play giant Jenga. Why. Why. Why. It was a complete surprise and I didn’t know no how to say no. But honestly it was the best thing because we were up to play first, which meant that this tired gal got it out of the way and could sneak off to chill once more. We lost. Shucks. And then we watched other people play and attention grew and the crowd got silent, the birds sang and nobody dared breathe. You could hear a pin drop. And after the final was played and the winners had won we all sat down and laughed and talked and it didn’t feel like a chore. There was no fake laughter. No fake smiles. And no sitting in the corner. I was me again. No hiding. 

There was only one moment when the newest baby of the group was being talked to and played with, that I noticed what looked like a tear in Mr W eyes. It was then that I started to well up. I wish I could stop his longing and his pain. The best thing about this time of year is you can pass off red eyes as hay fever. After that moment the laughter and jokes were rapid fire and I found myself literally crying with tears of mirth however my body took over and the laughing tears turned to sobbing tears. I don’t know why this happens but buried beneath my jumper I was able to pass off the crying as laughing and carry on. Hiding away. I’m honestly grateful for today. It took me out of my head, I laughed with those I love so very dearly and I’m going to sit down with Mr W to relax.

Being kind to yourself is a daily challenge. There are lots of ups and downs. It’s hard to see the top when you feel so low and you daren’t look down from such highs. I will be reminding myself as much as possible that when you want something so bad it’s a hard hope to leave at home. It travels with you. The beautiful but crazy journey.