Passion for travel. Travel for passion.
Do we not hold our own,
This life that is home grown?
My world is not yours to cease,
It is mine, mine for lease.
I borrow from the world today,
This time as long as I wish to stay.
Do not kill us in the streets,
We do not believe in after life treats.
Do we not hold out own?
This life that is home grown!
They remind us of where we’ve been, what we’ve done and what we’ve lived through. Big or small; they all have a story. Real or unseen; they sometimes never heal. Nothing looks the same again now the rose-tinted glasses have fallen.
The tissue that covers the once exposed wound is like the denial you live in everyday; it covers the bad but still shouts out for attention. like a tattooist you gave them permission to cut into you, deep, leaving an everlasting mark on your history. On your being. On every hope you ever had. We can look at the irreversible scars as bars we are trapped behind. The lines we once crossed and can’t erase. The marks made we didn’t see until etched too dark to delete. We see the history on our skin everyday; play it though our minds interwoven with shattered dreams. I pull down my cuff, my sleeve is my silver lining. I no longer fear the past. The damage is done; it is not bigger than me. It’s as big as I allow it to be. The rain stops and the sun peeks from behind the smallest cloud. The rays nourish me, the scar isn’t as ugly anymore, it fades with the impending hope. We grow from our past. I am bigger and stronger than my past will ever be. The path we have led winds back and away. You can move forward.
They are the map of the past. Leading us into a clearer future.
Photo by Dave Watson
Please check out his work on https://www.instagram.com/davewatson_uk/ or at https://davewatson1980.picfair.com
It has been a while since I’ve given an update on the big trip coming up for us in late summer. As of midnight tonight, our mega busy month of June will be over and it is just as well as Mr W has caught covid. So this weekend of planned ‘time-out’ truly will be a stay at home event. No plans. No house stuff. Not even sharing a bed or a sofa at the moment with the fella so it is truly a time-out event. He actually seems okay at the moment which is a huge relief. So yes, June has been a tad mad. A weekend away in Norfolk. A long weekend in Northumberland. Family parties. Errands galore. Life. And finding time to run this house. But hey, we made it through!
And here we start the countdown to Scotland! The NC500 is calling and I cannot believe we are so close. The house is starting to look like a doomsdayers shelter with boxes piling high for all the food and supplies we are taking. The itinerary I have (so far) is crazy long and it is still not finished.
Granted there are minor things left to be done now, a few payments, adjustments mainly to the Isle of Skye section and a couple of reservations to be made. Otherwise it’s the behind the scenes stuff. I need to get my organising head on and tackle all the food boxes. I really do not want to spend my days digging through boxes of food to find a meal. So I want our car to be like a pantry, all food that will be eaten in the car, will be in one or two boxes in the rear footwells. This goes for the travel water bottles, drinks, kettle etc. Food in the back of the car will be for meals in the evenings and mornings, so ideally easy to grab as we arrive at hotels along with our essentials such as clothing and toiletries.
We need an easy system for our clothing so we don’t have to haul our luggage out every night. We have 12 hotels in 14 days, that’s a lot of hauling!
It feels like the car is basically going to be a home on wheels for 15 days without the bed.
I’d also like to sort out some kind of bin system for while we are between hotels so we’re not mixing up recyclables with rubbish. Today, I spent some time contacting all of our hotels and I have to say it’s been an unexpected surprise. I’ve heard back from 8 or so, so far, and they have all been super friendly and understanding of our mission to be sustainable while on our trip. A few have said they pick through the bins from the guest rooms themselves and divide up the rubbish. Where I commend this, I couldn’t necessarily let someone do this on our behalf. So I’m aiming to use sustainable brown paper bags to put our recyclable waste into and our hopefully very minimal rubbish will be binned in the hotel as provided. If I manage to find the time, I want to find some recycling points along the route too. It just takes the pressure off of us emptying the car at the end of the day. This gives our sustainable mission every opportunity to be fulfilled and definitely makes all the planning worthwhile.
In the ‘Sustainability on a budget’ and ‘Out of body experience’ blogs from April and May (links below), I spoke about how we had been testing out the idea of tinned food and it’s proved quite successful. All tins but the ravioli and meatballs were really tasty, packed with the protein we’ll need and give us a much needed break from oatmeal and noodles. It’s also saving us a tonne of money. Usually when we go away we can spend anything between £10 on a budget sandwich or £40 for a meal out. These tins and a few crackers are going to cost between £0.90-£2.00 for each of us and where we’ll be in the car constantly or walking it is the most logical way of eating. There are also very few restaurants on the West side of the highlands so this really is a win-win situation.
Recyclable. Tick.
Budget friendly. Tick.
Longlife storage. Tick.
Tasty. Tick.
Something I’ve realised from our Northumberland trip is how much space we will be working with in our car. Four of us squeezed into the car for a four day trip. Which is insane, as the two of us need to fit all of our stuff for 15 days! That’s food, luggage, photography equipment and blogging necessities. Next on my to-do list is finding a laundrette so we can take a week’s worth of clothing to cut down on the space our luggage takes up. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of possibilities to wear the same trousers for a few days in a row or I’m sure Mr W could do the ol’ underwear flip, but the fact remains, we need to wash our clothes. So far I’ve found one laundrette and it’s on a really busy day for us that we’ll be in that area. I’m sure I’ll find one. My initial search was made when I was fighting to stay awake, one eye open and drained by hayfever. There’s a good chance my brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity!
Little triumphs like the bladder bags and kettle have arrived since I last wrote about this trip. And they have been trialled and tested. They’re not too shabby to be fair and I’m convinced after our water intake in Northumberland that our two 5 litre bottles, that we use for our main water supply on a day to day basis, will save our bacon when it comes to hydration and budget. They will be the only plastic bottles on our trip and the fact that we have been using them for over 2 years makes me really happy. Eco-warrior or eco-geek?
Mr W also found a bargain the other day that he is rather proud of. A pair of work out leggings? Like the gym ones? I have no idea what they are called. But basically they’ll be worn under his trousers and act like thermal/longjohn type things. He’s very pleased with himself.
He also *drum roll* bought our first fully capable drone and I’m sure once covid has left this household we’ll be doing lots of test flights. It is a smaller model which means we don’t have to apply for a special incense but we do have to register it. I am really excited about this part of the planning as all you ever see with Scotand are aerial shots and I want to see it from land and air. So I am raring to go!
There is one more thing I’m tempted to add into this trip and that is geocaching. I don’t want it to add any locations to our already bursting itinerary but if there are any geocaches in the places we’ll be going that will certainly make things more interesting. Solving some puzzles along the way will make the long walks just that bit more entertaining I think and it’s also so great to be a part of the journey of others by writing in those little logbooks. This will be one of the last things I look into but I hope we can join in wherever possible. Mr W introduced me to it back in 2013 and I really enjoyed the problem solving part of it all. So as long as it’s fun I don’t see the harm in adding it to this powerhouse of a trip.
One thing that hasn’t worked well, and this is me being totally transparent because you have to be honest about these things, is the ponchos we bought on ebay. They can be used as a ground sheet, strung up to make a temporary shelter or worn to keep dry while walking. They have a hood with a drawstring and are ENORMOUS. Absolutely perfect for covering our backpacks and most of our bodies should we get caught out, which is most likely going to happen, on one of our big walks. Unfortunately, while walking in Kielder this past weekend, nature called and demanded the ponchos be worn. After a 25 minute walk my clothes underneath became a little soggy. My chest, arms and the top of my back were damp on our return to the car and this does not bode well when considering we may be walking in rain for over four hours if we are very unlucky. It’s not so much back to the drawing board on this but a fail-safe backup may be needed. I’m thinking, extremely sturdy umbrellas AND ponchos. This is all to avoid paying the extortionate amounts of money for completely waterproof coats and trousers and using what we have instead. Something we cannot risk, me particularly, is sitting in damp clothes. Especially on my chest. I get ill really easily with colds and chest infections and it may stop the trip in its tracks. So we plan, plan, plan to stop this happening!
My what a lot to do in such a short amount of time. I’ll spend more time as we move closer to the departure date detailing some of the tips I have for the hurdles we’ve come up against and any other purchases we make to help us out.
For now, night night!
Good things come to those who wait right?
On our third visit to Northumberland and second try at reaching an art installation in Kielder Forest we failed. It is not a word I like to use. Especially when I am the one making the plans. The first time we tried to reach the Janus chairs we were completely unprepared. Trying to find a map online that details the distance between car parks and each art installation was one of the hardest things as preparation. When we attempted the walk last year (2021) it became pretty clear that we had gone the wrong way and after an hour of walking at 4pm we did not have the time needed to get where we needed to be. We realised it would be a 4 hour walk each way from the Bakethin car park to reach the installation and we would need a return trip. Fast forward to June 2022 and we were game to try again. We started with all good intentions. Taking photos of the maps provided at the car parks and grabbing a hand held map from the Visitor Centre at Leaplish water park we felt more informed than ever.
Starting late was our first hurdle, we spent a lazy hour at our accommodation after a luxurious lunch and dragged out tired arses to Bakethin Car Park. It was the second hurdle that decided our path would end. The car park instructions on tickets left us confused and with only an hour to make an eight hour hike. Nope!
One of the most important things about our trips to Northumberland is how it has affected my ability to let go. When planning a trip I will plan everything down to the minute, but unusually I haven’t been able to do it with Kielder. When something doesn’t go according to plan I feel like a failure and this time I didn’t. It was like I could enjoy the hour we did take a walk and adjust my thoughts on the matter. It helps that Mr W said ‘Oh well, we’ll just have to come back’ and god is that an idea! Returning to a place for a fourth time. What is happening to us?
Walking along a very hidden trail aside the reservoir feeling the sun kissing my skin and the wind teasing my hair I felt happy, not frustrated. We walked for 30 minutes until we had to retread our steps and return to the ticking clock of the car park ticket.
As we neared the final leg of the journey we came to the viaduct that crosses the reservoir. Its high and large stone walls give views down into the almost black water and to the treetops. Each time I cross it I find it harder to ignore the pull of the view. It would be fruitless to try. Like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to water and the sun’s reflection upon it.
As the tunnel of trees opened up to the viaduct, we saw that there were rain clouds sweeping in from the horizon and paused to watch them dance. In moments a fine but angry wall of water hit us. We marched ahead into the next shelter of trees. I love how the scenes in Northumberland National Park can change so quickly and dramatically.
Ten or so metres into the shelter I turned back and watched the scene as it was framed by trees and stone. I applauded myself for not freaking out about the change in plans and started mentally planning for our return. Leaving something behind as the rain turned it into something new for our return.
So, as you may have seen, we’ve been in Northumberland on a little holiday recently and I thought I’d share my initial itinerary with you. So that’s below, in its most basic forms…
After the first itinerary I’m going to tell you all about the changes I would make and then create a brand new itinerary for you to follow should you ever want to visit one of the UK’s most magical areas.
Edits:
DAY ONE.
Arriving into Alnwick as early as possible would be great for the sake of seeing the gardens to their full extent. The poison garden is absolutely awesome and even though I’m not a tour type of person, it is a must as there are government regulations concerning the Class A, B and C drug plants they have on site. The central fountain and serpentine interactive fountains are just so much fun. The ornamental garden at the top of the site is just absolutely stunning, I recommend taking a book and a sandwich so after you wander you can find a bench and enjoy the tranquil sounds of the streams of water bubbling over their pebbly paths. There are some huge shaded tunnels which are perfect to hide away from the midday sun and yet enjoy the views over the gardens. If you choose to go to the gardens I think you should give a good four to five hours to immerse yourself completely. When buying a ticket for the gardens you can use the Pavilion restaurant which has a beautiful outdoor seating area. The food and drink on offer is tasty enough but light, so as we planned to have dinner here, I now know this is not possible. Also, if you choose to visit Alnwick Castle and not the gardens you cannot go into the Pavilion restaurant, however The Bakery located just outside the entrance to the Alnwick Gardens serves the same food. So don’t despair too much! Should you choose to go into the Castle I believe you only need two or so hours. Which means you can start your day later or spend more time in the town!
After leaving your entrance of choice, I recommend a visit to Barter books, if you choose to use the car park I mentioned, it’s not too far a walk. The car park closes for new cars at 4/5pm, but they leave the exit open so you can park all day without a worry. It is £3 for the whole day which I think is really reasonable.
Barter books is a used book shop housed in an old train station and it is phenomenal! Nothing about the actual building has changed and everything feels so traditional and unchanged, mainly because it is!
There is a tearoom in the old waiting room, and even on our second visit to this place we have missed its opening hours. So, another itinerary edit is to make sure you get there before it’s 6pm closing time! After this you have an hour to look around the building and make sure to look UP in the second room as you enter. It is an absolutely stunning building and I wouldn’t hesitate to go back when in the area!
DAY TWO
Honestly, when I say have a big breakfast I mean it. The weather changes rapidly in Northumberland and if it’s raining your body is going to need the pep up to keep you moving. IF it’s sunny, you are going to sweat! So good food and slot of fluids! We take our metal drinks bottles or a 2L reusable bottle on our trips and refill them regularly from a 5 litre bottle we keep in the car. Keep hydrated!
We stay in Bellingham when we are in the National Park, it works nicely with visiting Kielder, accessing the petrol station in the village and is only 25 minutes from the A1. There are lots of areas to stay in the National Park and each have their own merits. Most will be self catering so check out the locations for shops for supplies. On this trip we had a lodge in Bellingham and took all of our own food as the hotel shop nearby is a Co-op and they can be pricey at the best of times.
To get the best out of the Hareshaw Linn walk, start early to avoid the majority of all the visitors. Take a long pause at the end of the trail before making your return. There is a cave to sit in, stop and just listen to the waterfall. We allowed 4 hours for this walk, but I’d say it’s easy enough to finish with lots of breaks in 3 hours. These breaks are for the amazing scenes on each of the 6 bridges and the carefully selected locations for the benches. Make sure to keep an eye out for the elusive red squirrel. On both of our visits to this spot we have spotted squirrels and this time even saw a full size deer! Take your time and enjoy!
After your walk, take a short drive down to the amazing Tea on the Train experience to enjoy the home-made sandwiches, cakes and treats on offer. You will not regret it!
Now here is where things got extremely tight on time. The Kielder reservoir is enormous! and the Lakeside way walk is 26 miles long. With multiple art installations it is hard to just pick one. This was our second attempt to walk to the Silvalis Capitalis site and we were thwarted again. In order to do most of the walks in Kielder you need to buy a £5 car park ticket. The walks are long, rewarding but long! So bare this in mind. Buying a £5 all day parking ticket means you can use any of the Kielder car parks so moving around is easier for you should you want to have little wanders rather than do huge hikes.
Here I have changed the afternoon to include a smaller walk along the bottom of the Kielder reservoir. This will take in the Mirage deck installation, the minigolf at the Waterside Visitor Centre and a short 20 minute walk to Freya’s Hut. Give your 4 hours. It is a beautiful area. Keep a look out for wildlife. We saw chaffinches, sparrows and rabbits!
DAY THREE
This is a big choice of options. Option A will be a huge undertaking. 20 miles is a big deal and should not be taken lightly. You will need plenty of water, food, layers of clothing and perseverance. You’ll see slot of the Kielder installations and you will be tired! We will be undertaking this on our next visit and I will link my story back to this blog when we do!
Option B is going to be a lot easier and so much less daunting. The Minotaur maze is found at the Kielder Castle visitor centre. Something fun to get you alive and kicking for the day. There is a toilet block on site.
From here you can join the Forest Drive toll road. The toll is £3 and gives you permission to drive the 12 mile road that takes you through a dense working forest. Prepare to reach the 1500 metres at its highest point and make sure you stop at ‘The Nick’ to admire the views and the wind chill!
This is a simple day, but with so many pleasures. Visit Hindhope Linn, before exiting the toll road and make the very short 15 minute detour up to the Scottish border. To say you popped over to Scotland for an hour is something not many people can say. 15 minutes from the border is Jedburgh which gives you the perfect chance to stretch your legs before heading back to Northumberland. Use my tips for the most beautiful drive and scenic views. With a much smaller and intimate border crossing you’ll feel like you are sneaking back into England!
DAY FOUR
This really all depends on where you are driving home to. We live in Essex and found it to be a nice plan to break up the day. I’ve not changed any of this day as it worked out nicely. Dress up warm for Sycamore Gap as you will be battered by the elements! This walk is less about staircases and more about shingle slopes. It is strenuous but one of the more milder walks in the National Park. A fairly moderate stroll will have you complete the journey from the car park in 40-50 minutes.
Now check out the itinerary below for your final plan!
If for anything else, please go to Northumberland for the waterfalls. I’ve linked my previous encounters with Northumberland waterfalls below.
I’ve been to four so far and each one holds its own personal charm.
Today’s one felt particularly special.
Like this post will end up, the walk to Hindhope Linn is short.
You start your journey in a vehicle of your choice, car, bus, tractor… at Kielder Castle visitor centre. As long as it can handle hills and a bumpy ride you’ll be sorted! It’s a great spot to start from as it has a bank of not too shabby toilets and a pub should you fancy a quick drink. From here you’ll find the 12 mile Forest Drive toll road. There is a cash only toll payment machine as you enter the road, it costs £3. From this road you’ll get an idea of how Forestry England works. It is their road. It is strewn with stones and a fantastic experience
for those wanting sweeping vistas of the pine forest and beyond. This is big sky country for sure.
At the halfway point and the highest point of the drive you’ll be 1500 metres above sea level and find ‘The Nick’, a stunning marvel of wooden architecture. It invites you in much like a tunnel and leads you to the most stunning view of the landscape you’ve left behind on the ascent. It has a series of pentagons that sporadically twist away from each other with ingenious seating built into its very being. Do not take a picnic, just your best coat, camera and intentions to get beautiful memories and photographs before the wind blows you away. And yes, it is COLD!
Another 5 miles or so down the road and you’ll find a small right hand turn with a toilet block and enough parking for maybe 5 cars. From here follow the trail with the orange markers for approximately 15 minutes. It is a very short trail and at the time of this post, there was a large part of the trail closed due to recent storms and its tall woody victims. Fret not, the walk blesses you with lush paths and dappled shade. We were very fortunate after a morning of rain to feel the sun on our backs as the wet earth underneath gave our feet the cushioning they so desired.
There are a few steep sections on this trail, but as the guide says they are steep and if they caused me any tiredness I did not waver to notice. This place felt really wild and isolated. A bit of me for sure.
On your right you can hear the rush of water and as you find sloping steps leading down you notice the babbling river beneath you. Turning right to follow another set of stairs you find yourself on the bank of the small stream. Drawing your gaze up to the left, past a small stone half circle acting as a threshold of sorts, you’ll be greeted with the most amazing scene.
It is green. The plants. The fallen trees. The rocks. All green. As your eyes adjust to the sunshine that seems to envelop this space, like no other scene before, you’ll notice that there is indeed a very beautiful, 20 foot high waterfall. It is gentle in force, but striking in its movement. The water from this beauty has created a space unlike any other I have seen in the world. It is so lush that wherever you look there are carpets of moss.
I sit for a while and stroke the moss covering a large boulder. It is thick. So thick, my hand disappears into its fluffy texture. There are crowns of ferns that have sprung up in pockets amongst the wood and rocks. They are waving in the breeze. When the sun disappears behind the cloud the whole spot becomes dark and mysterious. It vanishes like magic. And when the sun returns, it shines its light upon the rocks and the plants igniting them back into life. This place is really special.
It holds a certain mystique. A magic. This gully could be a daydream I have yet to wake up from. As we turn to leave, hundreds upon hundreds of tiny specks are flying, fleeing and falling through this enchanted space. Catching the light they glitter and dance. I imagine them to be fairies and we have found their kingdom. For no place like this can exist for us mere mortals.
Two 2 litre water bottles
1 500ml water bottle
1 energy drink can
1 beer can
2 metal bottle tops
1 plastic bottle tops
1 plastic straw
Cellophane
1 snack wrapper
2 sweet wrappers
Various corners of snack wrappers
All of the above was found on my 2 hour hike today and I didn’t have to stray from the path I was on to see it all.
Yes folks, today isn’t going to be a happy go lucky travel piece. It’s on the odd occasion I will find the need to relay my frustrations at the human race. Now let’s not pretend I’ve been a saint and recycled all my life and not dropped the odd piece of litter (accidentally). But in this day and age I’m wondering why it is actually found to be so hard to do our bit. By no measure is the above list of litter big in comparison to motorways where rubbish is thrown so freely from a passing car or a farmers field where flytipping is prominent. Those are particular breeds of humans that lack the caring that most people do have. The litter today was discarded by people who have taken the time to visit a beauty spot in Northumberland National Park. It wasn’t an adventure park or a child’s play area. It is a moderately challenging hiking area and it isn’t a thorough fare. You do the walk, reach the end and turn back. You have to choose to do this. Which means you want to. In wanting to it means you find an appeal. The appeal in nature and all its beauties.
The hike was to Hareshaw Linn in Bellingham. It is an astounding place which on a sunny day could have been lifted straight from Costa Rica. Its dappled shade, enclosed spaces and the area’s ability to rain on and off in continuous sunshine has created a microclimate where birds, ferns and flowing water all exist harmoniously. The most brilliant path winds through the greenery as you head along the trail. 6 bridges criss-cross you over the river as it bubbles and crashes its way over rocks, pebbles and magnificent boulders. It is a splendid walk. At the end you are met with a 30 foot masterpiece of water and rock. The rock is black with moisture and the water is white with the pace it has found. It plunges into a deep but small pool where it meets rock and continues on its way.
On arrival today we were shocked to see that an equally tall tree had taken the plunge into the pool from the shelf above. The devastation was immediately evident as half of the waterfall was hidden from view. Having visited this place last year, Mr W and I thanked our lucky stars we had a ‘before image’ in our memories for this place. We spent a good hour watching the water from its adjacent cave as dog walkers and families came along the path. This place screams serenity. As you do with time, I started to notice the smaller parts of my surroundings: the pieces of litter in the rocks around the pool.
It got me thinking about the damage we do to this planet. Not really seeing how it affects the places we visit. The beauty feels tainted when a plastic bottle floats alongside nature’s majesty. It was only when someone viewing the falls said that it was ‘such a shame the tree is ruining the view’ that I realised how fragile we are in nature’s grip. If we can look at a tree that has been blown down by a strong wind and call it a misfortune while stepping over a discarded sweet wrapper, are we hypocrites? Aren’t we the wind in that situation? We, the human race, are destroying nature by littering so carelessly.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, we are guests on this planet and should have learned plenty from the last two years: to care for this planet and thrive in its stead. For there may come a day, when like that tree, a wind blows up with its mighty power and decides our roots no longer play a part in our standing. It will blow us down the river, unwanted and discarded.
We are not the wind.
We are not the power.
We can be the change we want to see in the world.
One step at a time.
One thought given.
Many possibilities.
There are planned moments in life that fall into place and make you sigh happily.
There are other times that creep up on you, making you abandon all worries as you laugh unreservedly and giddy.
Today I experienced both.
I have a brother who lives 270 miles away and due to covid it has been a rare blessing to see him and his family. Due to home and work commitments it is hard to spare the 3-4 days needed for a proper catch up and time needed to spend with my beautiful nieces. They are growing so fast. I can still see them both as babies in my arms and yet somehow they are 8 and nearly 4 years of age.
As we travelled to Northumberland today, Alnwick to start, we found a unique opportunity to spend some stolen hours together. The sneaky one and I spoke briefly during the week about how it could work and a loose plan was set.
On this trip we have brought my dad and his partner, Pat, sharing a place this special to us with our loved ones is half the experience this time. To sneak my brother and his family into the mix would mean a lot to them both.
We started the day at 5am, car packed and raring to go. By the 100th game of ‘guess the song, its singer/band and year of release’ we had waved hello to the Angel of the North and counted down the last few miles to stop number one. Alnwick has so very much to offer and we had to cram the highlights in in just 7 hours. First up, shopping! The town is so pretty and had plenty of charity shops piled high with books to please my dad’s literary eye. There was even a craft market that took their fancy and a passing puppy that took mine. With lunch on the horizon we made our way into the grounds of Alnwick castle and after a quick sandwich break it was onto the next stop: crazy golf! It’s called the Forgotten Garden and transports your mind back to the ‘Honey I shrunk the kids’ movie. Among the beautiful plants and tall trees there are huge sculptures of bugs. A giant, lazy earthworm, two flapping winged bees atop a hive and a very naughty spider. At £4 a person it was an absolute delight and I’m imploring you to go if you ever visit Alnwick. In fact, here’s the link: https://www.alnwickgarden.com/families/golf/
I don’t get anything for sharing the link apart from the knowledge that it helps you and spreads the joy of this place. I’m sure I was distracted by the impending suprise arrival of the family that I came last, yes of course that’s why, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Unfortunately they were held up finding a car park and I wondered how to play the part of an aloof distraction. However, help in the form of ice cream arrived and I spent way too long eating a small tub of banoffee ice cream that I think Mr W at least suspected something was afoot.
The plan was for Mr W and I to go our own way for a few hours while our ‘guests’ visited the castle. Starring as the backdrop in the first two Harry Potter films the castle is a must visit to all Hogwarts fans. But where was my brother? Heaven sent me another saving grace in the form of rain and we took shelter under a tree. I took the opportunity to ask Mr W to take some photos buying me more time as the sneaky one raced her family through the castle to our location. Swapping places with Mr W I was able to click away as my brother snuck up behind my dad and the surprise was unleashed.
It’s a happy blur that my tired brain will no doubt let me visit again after a deep night’s sleep. But my niece raced at me with hugs and we all stood beneath the tree sheltering from the rain and in each other’s arms. Happy sighs cascaded from our mouths as the rain fell from above and encased us under the tree and in the moments glow.
Happy sighs.
Splitting up for a brief while Mr W and I turned back to spend some time in Alnwick Gardens. Expecting rows of roses, lines of lupins and tamed topiary I found myself proven very wrong indeed. Taking up a huge amount of the garden is an absolutely enormous multi-levelled fountain that screamed ITALY so loudly I could practically smell the pizza, pasta and prosecco. But no, we are in the North-East of England. After a quick cuppa, we head on a tour of the poison garden, through beautiful crafted tunnels of hornbeam that reach 15ft into the air and create a nest of green away from the heat of the day and into the stunning ornamental gardens. We follow the streams that bubble over pebbles down the staggered steps towards a curving cascade of bushes that create a serpentine maze that hugs individual illuminating water features. Made of metal they gleam like highly polished mirrors in the 3pm sun. It all became clear, whilst sipping my tea I saw a young boy of 8 or 9 in trunks with a towel about his shoulders. These water features are to be engaged with. To be seen, touched and enjoyed. We make our way around them, casually reaching out fingertips to touch the cool water on the humid day. They are fascinating. Mr W sends cascades of water my way. I flicked it back. We take pictures in the reflections. We laugh. We are giddy.
Happy again, this time in a moment of child-like innocence. Pure and free from all adult concerns. Nose dripping from the water falling from my forehead and hair, we return to our family and feel a million miles from home and yet closer to our sense of being than we have in a very long time.
For better, for worse.
That’s the wedding vow isn’t it.
I never would have anticipated the sheer amount of stress my mental health would put my husband under.
Today after a long day on the road for work, he drove me to another shop in search of a dress and then an outfit for an upcoming trip.
He hung around outside of the changing rooms. While I pulled on uncomfortable items. One after one. Short length jeans that were still too long, hey I’m 5’5, that’s average! A simple dress that draped on the floor making it unwearable. And a jacket that creased like paper everytime I moved my arms. Let me be clear here. I’m not complaining. I’m bemused. I went to the one shop near me that caters to my size and came away empty handed. Mr W was the dutiful husband who said everything looked fine, but truth be told, I wasn’t willing to spend money on something I didn’t wholly love in the mirror.
And even though yesterday I was upset, today I’m just bemused. I’m laughing that at average height I still found the trousers and dress too long. It’s funny that every item of clothing came up differently on my body. Sizewise I mean. I tried on a range of four sizes and I walked away feeling exceptionally picky.
So for one of the first times in my life I didn’t settle. It would have been easy for sure. If the shoe fits, wear it right? But god what ugly, ill made shoes! I do make myself laugh!
Walking away from the shop, Mr W asked if I was okay. And the truth was yes and I still am.
When I am walking around on our mini-break I will be grateful for the legs that carry me through the National Park. Not the ripped jeans I have no choice but to clothe them in. When my shoulders carry the burden of my backpack with my snacks, raincoat and water bottle, I won’t be thinking of the clothes that keep them warm.
It isn’t life or death. There will be other times and opportunities to look damn fabulous. How I react is the only control I have in this situation. And I choose happiness.
I choose to plaster a smile on my face. Not a fake, faux or little one. But a full, reaching my eyes, chipmunk cheek smile. Because nothing but our enjoyment matters on this trip. I’ll be sliding on my bum to the base of a waterfall and quite possibly catching the raindrops on my head. So me, my ripped jeans and my tatty jumper are going all in!
I deserve that. It doesn’t matter what I wear as long as a smile is on my face. Mr W deserves that. Happy times.
For better, for worse. Always
Photo by Dave Watson
Please check out his work on https://www.instagram.com/davewatson_uk/ or at https://davewatson1980.picfair.com
I am sitting here frustrated.
I can’t write. I’m wondering why. I am hitting the keys of my lovely laptop with such vigour Mr W is occasionally looking at me. I know he wants to calmly tell me to go easy. This is frustrating. So frustrating I am allowing the laptop to pick up the errors in my typing rather than sort them myself. I’m usually a good touch typist. I owe that to years of staying up late on MSN Messenger with my friends during my school years.
I absolutely detest writer’s block. My last two blogs have come from my archive of past writings. It has been a busy month I’ll admit but when I’m stuck I’ll look to life as I know it or past trips and away I go. But today – nada!
Maybe today’s shopping experience has left a sour taste in my mouth and brain. I’d like to share with you one tidbit. Maybe you won’t have heard of it. Maybe it’s something you’ll relate to. Not ALL girls like shopping. I for one will find one staple and buy it in every colour rather than tour around a shopping hall. And I have. During my twenties I had every colour of one particular jumper going. And when the shop changed that jumper’s design I felt attacked! How very dare they.
When I worked in London, the story was very similar, I would wear one staple dress in various colours, leggings and a jacket or cardigan to suit. I was a slave to Primark and its easy wear items.
These days, I wear the same two pairs of jeans and choose from my faithful 6-7 tops out of a sea of clothing in my wardrobe. I will occasionally buy a dress for a wedding or a party and it’s the only time I take care in what I’m wearing. I suspect this is because there are other people around and I want to make sure I’m looking the part. Which part that is I’m not sure. Wedding guest. Cousins 30th attendee. Engagement celebrator extraordinaire.
Last year, I did something completely out of character and bought a vivid yellow casual dress. Did I like it? Yes, enough to buy it. Do I like it now? Completely and unfathomably, I have no idea. It fits, it doesn’t need ironing (always a bonus) however I’ve come to the realisation I don’t even know what my style is.
If you’re a returning reader you’ll know I’m a big girl. If you’re a first time guest, I’m a big girl. Small in stature. Curvy round the middle. It’s caused by emotional eating (hello poor mental health) and my life long struggle turned-fight with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. So growing up it didn’t really matter what I liked the look of in the shops, it wouldn’t fit anyway. And therein started the problem. Why try and find a style that didn’t cater for the plus size teenager?
Things are a lot better now for plus size peeps. You’ll find a lot online and have it delivered right to your door! Isn’t that swell! But… What if we want to venture out into the world and shop til we drop? To spend money on clothes instead of bills. To bring home pretty things after a long day with friends, shopping, chatting and enjoying it all.
The last few days, Mr W has tried to push me, ever so gently, into buying new clothes. The vivid yellow dress is the one outfit I can wear without bursting into flames in the recent heatwave. While at home I am the queen of pyjamas and most recently a comfy jogging bottom. Which is fine when you have a fan whirring alongside you but out in the fanless real world, I need some clothes. I had a snoop around online and found a few dresses I liked the look of but I want to see them in person! I hate not being able to feel the fabric and check the length. I ordered a pair of trousers recently and they were definitely not designed for my 5’5 height. I think maybe a height of 6’5 would have worked well. I pulled them up to my bra and went on my merry way.
Lesson learned.
Tonight, we headed out into the dreaded unknown to find the dresses I’d seen online. Only to find, on arrival, that the store was closed. Disappointed we spent the next hour scouring the shops for anything bigger than a UK size 16 and came away entirely empty handed. Oh wait, tell a lie I got some day cream, body scrub and bin bags! Wahey!
It’s only now I truly understand that the highstreet does not cater to anyone above a size 16, who does not want gaudy prints or shapeless sacks to wear. What is interesting about this little conundrum is how the UK’s average dress size is a 16. And yet in all shops but 3 today the biggest size they stocked WAS a 16. I’m inclined to think that the only place my money is any good is online. I’ve heard this so many times on the ‘Go Love Yourself’ podcast (link below) but not yet realised it for myself. All this time I thought I was being picky or not knowing my own style but I’ve come to realise today that I’ve grown up not being given a chance to experience clothing like others.
And that is a very sad situation.
I can hear a few people, there in my head, saying why not lose weight so you can fit into the high street clothes? And the simple answer is, why? Well, and how. My PCOS doesn’t like me thin, in fact it likes to add to my weight whenever it feels prudent to. And there are other women AND men out there who are big for a variety of physical and mental health reasons too. And even if they aren’t big for those reasons, it’s their life, their choice and is their money not good enough?
I came away today deflated, defeated and crying. It’s hard to feel good without being able to project that through clothing. It’s a form of expression. It’s hard to come to the realisation that when it comes to style I have been stifled. As other people have. I assume this is the same for people who don’t fit the ‘normal’ range of heights too. Something has to change.
Well, would you look at that the writer’s blockage has come unstuck. Now if only the block in shops could be removed too!
Framework Travel 