So here goes…
I have never pretended that I have got it all together on this blog. Mental health, PCOS and travelling are the biggest things I’ve ever talked about with you. They’re all big factors in my life and sometimes one will take precedence over the other.
With my PCOS there are huge fertility implications and a lot of my mental health problems come with the condition. It’s often when I’m planning travel or travelling that these battles will get pushed aside and sometimes they’re forgotten. It means that I feel my best because I’m not trying to conquer the demons in my head or worrying about my future with or without a child. And even as I say that I am tearing up because that is where my mental health is at the moment. The battle everyday to stay positive on the fertility side of things in our life is enormous.
For the first time in a very long time I’m dictating this blog. So what I’ll do is speak into my phone as if I’m talking to a friend and then I will go back and edit it. This means it’s much more coherent for you to read! And covers up the mistakes on the phone’s part. This just means that everything in my head is coming out as it needs to and then all I really do is add in punctuation and that means, I hate this word, I can be as ‘real’ as possible about PCOS and mental health for those of you out there that maybe need to hear this story. If I can be to my readers ,or to those who stumble across this blog who has PCOS or lives with mental health issues, someone to relate to and therefore feel less alone with these conditions, I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all.
So it’s been 3 weeks since I wrote and (if you want to just follow the link below it will go back to that blog in particular) it discussed how busy our life had been since our Scotland trip. So, we got back from Scotland on the 2nd of October and I didn’t write for 11 days. It’s now been 3 weeks since that day, so in fact it’s been nearly 5 weeks since the loss of momentum with the writing. What I found I was doing was posting the blog title and then catching up with writing later or spending a whole day just writing blog after blog and then scheduling them to publish. I wasn’t just doing one a day I was either doing 0 or 4 and it just didn’t work. Then I found myself in a pit I could not climb out of.
I’ve not sat here doing nothing. I have been really busy. We decorated our home office and that was back to the bare bones. The skirting came off, we took all the furniture out, the windowsill came.We had to do this has it’s not really been done properly in the six years we have lived here. We’ve got a lot, as you can imagine, of cameras, lenses, photography bits and travel gear in that room, as well as a computer and other you know fiddly bits. All the furniture was all dismantled and removed. It then took over a week to decorate as there was a mishap with paint where we didn’t have enough and the store no longer did that colour. I could go on but you can imagine how it eventually worked itself out.
There was a lot going on and at the same time I’ve been having some osteopathic treatment for my back. The first session, which to be honest I thought was quite tame, didn’t really make much difference to my sciatic pain and I was worried it wasn’t going to benefit me at all. The lady did discover that the bottom of my spine had twisted and therefore on the second visit she did manipulate my sacrum quite a bit and I did feel a lot more pressure in that area. Since then I have been happy with the results and the advice on how to sit and sleep moving forward is really important because that is a massive factor in the predicament I have found myself in. Unfortunately it’s just what we are used to isn’t it, we get into the same positions to feel comfortable. That has been a change in the last week, unfortunately my step nan died last week. When the opportunity arose in September to go and see her, I didn’t go because of my back issue.There was a plan that as soon as I could sit reasonably in a car again that we would travel over to Wales. Sadly, I didn’t get the chance and because of covid I haven’t seen her since late August 2019. That’s been a really harsh blow and naturally I have been beating myself up about it since. We had been writing letters to each other for the past three years and I will miss that massively.
We’ve taken our time putting the office back together so we can take advantage of space and this week I’ve capitalised on this new found sense of get up and go and decluttered the house. We aren’t necessarily messy people but the small changes have made big changes to my frame of mind. I’ve been putting picture frames on walls rather than having them on furniture, just to give the element clear space and to be honest it has really helped to have a lot more order to our home I’ve also had a clear out of my wardrobe and I’ve earn some extra money on vinted which is always great this time of year. I’ve not really experienced money troubles or worries with all the new problems with the economy but it’s always in the back of my mind. I do worry about Mr W and how he takes it all on board. So just by making those few extra pounds I hope it takes the burden off a little bit or you know shows that I’m trying. And there you go, that’s where we’re at up until today really.
The biggest change has come about in my mental health. Where a few years ago, especially during the first few months of covid in 2020, to ease my anxiety over what was happening in the world I would keep myself busy. To cover the cracks in my own problems and my own dealings with it, I would just constantly keep busy but as soon as the busy times stopped the anxieties were still there. In the last 6+ months I’ve actually tried to settle into my anxieties and just feel the feelings because they’re not going to go away. Just because you’ve cleaned your house top to bottom with a toothbrush or you’ve decided to go for a 4 hour walk, in my experience, doesn’t mean your anxieties are banished. It just pushes it aside, it doesn’t really deal with it. I’ve been focusing on what I’ve been feeling to try and process it a lot better but the problem is the deeper you go the harder it is to find your way out. Especially when you can’t pinpoint why you feel so sad. There is a lot of negativity going on in the world and my own struggles with maybe never having a child have thrown me through a loop. The past 3 to 4 weeks have possibly been the worst mental health time for me in a very very long time. What’s worse is on the outside, so as soon as I step outside our front door, I’ve almost gone back to how I used to behave. Putting on a rather poor show that everything’s fine, happy happy, happy, go lucky but as soon as I’m back home I just retreat and Mr W and I just settled into this whole routine of home life. Get up, do the dishwasher, cook dinner, watch TV, go to bed and my and Mr W’s relationship has become quite static. We’ve had a lot of time to talk over the past week about how to make some changes and see what we can do. We’ve got a few things in the pipeline over the next couple of weeks, and like I said it is really there a little things that make the biggest differences.
I will be writing again, I’m not going to sugar coat what’s been going on but I hope by looking back at the Scotland trip, because I still haven’t finished the itinerary blogs and their highlights for you, I’m hoping that it will give me some structure. Looking back as well, which I haven’t done in weeks, will remind me of that fantastic trip and will ignite in me the need (obviously) to pursue the next trip.
We have a little trip coming up in 10 days, a tiny trip, but we’re going somewhere we’ve never been before and I’m hoping I’ll be able to share it with you live so that’s something really exciting. It’ll give us a lovely little boost before Christmas. We have so many lovely things coming up over the next couple of weeks and then we are currently talking about what’s going to happen next year in terms of travel of which I’m already so excited about. Potentially we’re going to two new countries and travelling in a way we’ve not traveled before so that is really exciting. It’s obviously also something to think about logically because of the economy. I don’t want travel to be the reason we fall apart when we have responsibilities at home as well. There’s gonna be a lot of talk but I often find that that’s how we shine as a couple. We brainstorm and explore and we grow individually and together. In some way’s that’s why I write this blog because travel for me eases so many worries in my life.
I used to think it was because it was an escape, that when something bad happens I just run away but now I find it just brings out the best in me. That my anxieties just float away. Maybe it’s down to the fact that when we travel I have my itinerary and I know what to expect. There are no questions and I feel safe. I’m safe from the unknown. For instance today, our igniter broke on our oven and it seems that every year something big goes wrong in our home. You can’t predict it nor can you run away. You have to find the easiest way through anxieties or none. I also think travel just brings out the best in me and that’s because the anxieties of PCOS, mental health and homelife (to a certain degree) don’t exist in my travel brain. They’re all gone for a short portion of time. I get to exist as who I am. I don’t have PCOS nor does my brain hate me.
The plan is to continue travelling on a budget because we, quite frankly, don’t know how to go backwards. It’s not that we would not worry about money when it comes to travel, you just make it work but now we realise it’s not about the money you spend, it’s about the experience you have and they don’t have to cost the world. We have done that for so long. Since the covid pandemic really. We have changed so much as travellers that it would seem almost foreign to go backwards.
Really looking forward to the next couple of weeks and seeing what actually happens next year so stay tuned and thanks for sticking around.
Framework Travel 