My last post stated that it would be short and sweet, it certainly hit the short mark but was missing the sweetness entirely. I promise that this post will again be short, but again not sweet. But maybe, just maybe, it’ll help someone.
The post, ‘A day in the life… anxious nerd edition’ spoke of anxiety and fear and in some ways anger. Anxiety will do that.It feels like the walls are closing in on you. Throw a bunch of emotions together, whip them into a frenzy and leave you to deal with the fall out. As someone who has ridden this unpredictable ride for a number of years, I’m getting used to its creep up and spin life on its head. I’ll never get used to the feeling that infiltrates my mind and body but I am starting to understand that it is temporary. I don’t mean it has a confirmed timeframe but it does end. It gives up for an unspecified amount of time to let you rest and see the good in the world again. You get to smile and feel relaxed again. As I learn about the repetitive behaviour of this mental illness I come to accept its ups and downs. One of the biggest lessons anyone can learn is to be kind to yourself.
When in the midst of an anxiety attack or a spell of anxiety, it is only natural to try and determine a trigger. Surely finding the cause, will give understanding and then freedom right? Of course. But what if you can’t find it? You think and you think, and nothing. It’s likely you will feel even worse. Just another failure on top of the bad feeling already plaguing your mind.
I’ve learned recently that it is sometimes best to do nothing. You can torture yourself and wonder why you have to be this person. You can try and find a way out. You can avoid it by keeping busy. Or much like when a bad storm approaches, you can put on your warm clothes, put yourself somewhere familiar and surround yourself with comfort items.
When I feel it coming nowadays I’ll make tea in my favourite cup, grab my cat, husband or favourite jumper to snuggle up with and watch a movie I’ve seen 100 times already. They are my safe places. My comforts. The help ground my body in the security I feel my mind is lacking at the time.
Today, I heard, first hand, from a close loved one how not knowing what is wrong is making them feel like they are spiralling. No offers of help could make a difference to how they were feeling. How could it? They don’t know what is wrong, so how do they know what to ask for help with?
The only thing I could do is tell them I love them. That talking will always help, if only as a vent to ease the mind, however briefly. That it is okay to feel this way. That half the battle can be won by letting the anxiety do its thing. Not necessarily sitting back and surrendering but being kind to ourselves and knowing the storm will pass. We just need to stop fighting it. I fear that fighting something invisible and hidden only makes it stronger. Doing nothing may just prove that we are better than having to fight. Again, how do we fight an unknown enemy? We are the better person for letting it try and yet fail when we do not rise to its taunts.
Acknowledging pain but proving it is not everything we have inside us. That courage can be found in the quietest and most immobile of actions. Doing nothing may just be the greatest doing that we don’t do.
Photo by Dave Watson
Please check out his work on https://www.instagram.com/davewatson_uk/ or at https://davewatson1980.picfair.com
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