Tomorrow is a big day. 

Our first appointment with the fertility clinic after a 14 month wait. It’s been a long wait and after a rollercoaster of a week in terms of cancellations and getting a last minute appointment for tomorrow, I’m in a bit of shock. I feel sick with anxiety. I feel I already know what’s coming. I’ll be offered the tests I have already had and I’ll be told to lose weight. Doctors petrify me at the best of times but when it comes to my weight I’m really sensitive and know I’ll sit there like a child being told off. I almost feel the need to impress this Doctor to be treated like a human. It’s true, I’ve spoken to other people who are overweight recently and they feel like second rate humans because of their size. I used to think it was all in my head. 

Today I had a baby shower to go to. After yesterday’s 30+ degrees of hot weather and a rough night’s sleep I knew I needed to feel good about myself so I could relax and put on my happy face. Baby showers aren’t the hardest thing to deal with when you are struggling with your own fertility, usually it’s the baby announcements, but I can’t estimate how I’ll feel on the day. So getting ready today I wanted to wear something to keep cool but also not feel like this huge beast. I love a new pair of trousers I bought recently, but they are wide legged and therefore make me look bigger. Not good for confidence at all! They are so lightweight that I put them on and said to the mirror, you deserve to feel cooler like everyone else. I went to the wardrobe to get a cardigan and realised it was my go to ‘cover-up’. Not because the temperature may have changed during the day, but because it covered my arms, back, bum and body. I use it to hide away. I closed the cupboard door and left the house before I could change my mind. No safety cardigan in sight. I deserve to be cool on a hot day!

I also reasoned that having recently dyed my hair pink the focus would be on that and not on my chubby arms. Ironically, I did have a brief thought that this day was going to be about the mummy-to-be and no one would pay me a bit of attention! It’s funny, I’ve had pink hair for two weeks and as I’ve been out and about I get a few looks and I automatically think they’re staring at me for my weight. Or something else. It’s only when I catch my hair swishing around my face that I remember its pink. I forget all about it. Does it make me uglier? Prettier? I have had to remind myself recently that what I wear and how I look is the least interesting thing about me. It’s a mantra I’m really trying to live by. 

‘The way you look is the least interesting thing about you.’ 

A recent,  little quote I have acquired from the ‘Go Love Yourself’ podcast by the lovely Laura Adlington and Lauren Smith. If you need a boost, a different perspective on weight, appearance and everything in between, I highly recommend it! 

Go Love Yourself

As much as I’ve fought for this appointment I am so nervous and going back to my pink hair I’m actually wondering if it is going to work against me. These are the worries that plague my mind. Is this why I couldn’t sleep last night? Or was it really the incredible heat and hayfever symptoms? Maybe I won’t sleep tonight instead. The rain has taken away the pollen and the temperature has more than halved since this morning. So there’s only my anxieties left. Yay! What if they see me, my hair and write me off before even talking? I feel as if this will be an interview. That I’ll have ticks and crosses against my name. I have to remind myself over and over that I deserve the same as everyone else. 

Why should I regret the hair? It has been a shake up and a bit of fun. Something to mix things up a bit. Life has been a bit static recently for sure. My hayfever does prevent me from getting a full night’s sleep and therein lies the problem I believe. My anxiety gets a lot worse when I’m tired. And then I can’t sleep because I’m anxious. Hello, vicious circle! 

Isn’t this a fun post? 

As we are home now and my appointment is in 13 hours I feel my stomach tying itself in knots and my need to keep busy is ridiculously strong. I knew that keeping busy today would help. However going to a baby shower when you yourself are going to a fertility appointment isn’t the easiest thing to deal with. Usually, as I said, baby showers aren’t too hard to deal with. I think it’s because you have time to prepare. You know when the baby announcement is made, like the birth, a baby shower is part and parcel. I just think today caught me right in the heart. It reminded me of our journey and I did have to excuse myself for a quick cry in the toilets. These kinds of things just remind me of what we don’t have. 

Tomorrow is the first step of a journey that will be difficult. I’ve already been told that. One thing I’m glad of is Mr W. He has my back. He’s my fighter. He picks me up when I fall. He tells me to wear the trousers I love. To ditch the cardigan. And to dye my hair the colours of the rainbow if I need to. Because no matter what I wear or how I look. I am me. And that will always be enough.