There are days when your emotions run so high and low that you can barely find balance. There are days when you wake up and you don’t want to go outside. There are days when you can barely move because you’ve been so busy the day before. There are days when you have things to do and people to see and all you want to do is avoid it all because you don’t want to plaster on a fake smile because all you can do is cry.

Today was one of those days. After a mammoth drive on jubilee Thursday we found ourselves tired and facing another busy couple of days. We had family visiting and spent the morning with them and then ran errands. We then see friends to plan for June 2023. Followed by another rushed evening and preparations for a very special person’s 90th birthday.

The party for my nan was absolutely amazing with lots of memories made with children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I watched as my brothers and their girls sat with my dad and family and I just felt the sadness creep over me. At times so consuming I was breathless. Where was my child in those pictures? I hate it when out of nowhere those feelings arrive. It’s like one minute you cannot be happier and then the next you’re crumbling. How much longer can I keep it together? I know for a large part of it it’s due to how frantic we’ve been and how tired I’ve felt but what they are real emotions and they do come from a very real place of longing. 

I was able to distract myself by tidying up toys and bringing out the birthday cake and orchestrating the family photos but ultimately it’s all a distraction. And I wish I didn’t need that distraction. I don’t want to go through life doing these things they’re a great way of passing the time between feeling happy and feeling sad and wondering what feeling will win. Nevertheless, the look on my nan’s face as she arrived to see us all singing Happy Birthday in one big surprise, giving a little speech and seeing her birthday cake was amazing. One of the best feelings. To build that joy in someone you love so deeply can never be replicated. It’s a one of a kind triumph. 

Today we went to another family party, my cousin’s 30th. I was exhausted today, it was the 4th of 4 days that we’ve been bafflingly busy. And with more than 20 people to catch up with and talk to, it was tiring just thinking of it. So I put on a dress, wrapped up warm and wore really snuggly shoes and told myself to just sit and watch what was going on. It’s the safe option. And then we were thrust into the limelight to play giant Jenga. Why. Why. Why. It was a complete surprise and I didn’t know no how to say no. But honestly it was the best thing because we were up to play first, which meant that this tired gal got it out of the way and could sneak off to chill once more. We lost. Shucks. And then we watched other people play and attention grew and the crowd got silent, the birds sang and nobody dared breathe. You could hear a pin drop. And after the final was played and the winners had won we all sat down and laughed and talked and it didn’t feel like a chore. There was no fake laughter. No fake smiles. And no sitting in the corner. I was me again. No hiding. 

There was only one moment when the newest baby of the group was being talked to and played with, that I noticed what looked like a tear in Mr W eyes. It was then that I started to well up. I wish I could stop his longing and his pain. The best thing about this time of year is you can pass off red eyes as hay fever. After that moment the laughter and jokes were rapid fire and I found myself literally crying with tears of mirth however my body took over and the laughing tears turned to sobbing tears. I don’t know why this happens but buried beneath my jumper I was able to pass off the crying as laughing and carry on. Hiding away. I’m honestly grateful for today. It took me out of my head, I laughed with those I love so very dearly and I’m going to sit down with Mr W to relax.

Being kind to yourself is a daily challenge. There are lots of ups and downs. It’s hard to see the top when you feel so low and you daren’t look down from such highs. I will be reminding myself as much as possible that when you want something so bad it’s a hard hope to leave at home. It travels with you. The beautiful but crazy journey.