There are times my mental health seems bad to me. 

There are times it seems bad to others. This is when it is at its hardest. Like I’m lost down a rabbit hole but I don’t know how I got there. I was quite happy amongst the roots and dirt not knowing any differently. It’s hard to find your way out when you are told it’s not the place you belong. Not where people want to see you. And all along you thought everything was okay.

Maybe I am lost down the rabbit hole. And have forgotten what the outside world looks like. 

Maybe starting writing again has made me delve back into my old self. She is deep thinking and not participating in the real world. And yet I’m told my writing is powerful. But it’s making me a ghost in life. It’s sad because I thought I was okay. At least I had the outer appearance of being okay, while everything inside isn’t. Well, is and isn’t. 

Maybe I’m just floating along content in the displacement. It’s sad. It comes as such a shock to be told just how I appear on the outside. Like I’ve failed to exist. Exist how I should in another person’s eyes. Exist how they love me. Exist, full stop. 

Maybe I just don’t see it from my side. 

That’s a lot of maybes. It always will be. Other than an out of body experience I don’t possibly see how I’d see it from another person’s perspective. All I know is it’s sad to feel like I’m failing. To be the person people want to love. To be the better version of me. All the while thinking that’s what I was doing. 

To those who love me, know me, I’m sorry if I come across unfeeling and lost. 

I’ll do my best to do better.