Do you know anyone that suffers from anxiety?
I didn’t think I knew anyone but it affects so many different people at different times in their lives. And in different ways. The more it’s spoken about the more we learn!
When I’m having a good day, you may not know it if you were to look at me. Although I’m not the world’s most smiley person it doesn’t mean I’m upset, but I actually have the kind of mouth that turns downwards naturally so people always assume something is wrong. You could be completely fine on the inside and then someone thinks they are helping by telling you to cheer up, that is actually when you start to feel worse! Most of the time people call it resting b**** face, it’s almost a cop out for you or an excuse for them, something to laugh at to make light of the situation.
I remember a day when my anxiety was particularly bad. We were awaiting some news that would have potentially changed our world, our expectations or how we live the next couple of years of our lives and no matter what I did I sat there thinking the worst.
Isn’t that what we do? We think the worst of an upcoming piece of news, it’s unfortunate but it’s just what we do. So I went through every scenario in my head. How to deal with it. How to live our lives and I sat there petrified.
I have so many supporters in my life, we both do, but ultimately, these kinds of trials and tribulations they test our individual mindset and outlook. The outcome only affects the two of us. How it affects US is how it affects other people and I wish I could say I’ll be there for those people too but there comes a time when you really do have to take a step back and say I’ve got to focus on me. I’ve got to focus on us.
I’m not the kind of anxious person that can’t go out during the day. I do actually find my own company great. I like the quiet and I like the solitude and that really isn’t me hiding away. I’ve been used to it for a long long time. Growing up, I was one sister with two brothers, so unless I went out to see friends, it was just me. I’ve got amazing parents and growing up wasn’t lonely. Being on my own isn’t something I have a problem with so I’m not going to force myself to interact with people daily just because others may think I’m shutting myself away. When you live with anxiety you need the time on your own to recharge before and after spending time with people. Gearing up to seeing a friend, for example, is wrought with lots of preparedness, and then there’s the talking and listening for hours, it’s tiring to say the least. Of course, I’d never live without it. But if you are having a particularly anxious day, you need the time after to be quiet and like I said time to recharge. Much like coming back from a fun and exciting vacation and someone saying ‘I need a holiday to get over my holiday!’.
People may think I shut myself away because isolation is one way of dealing with sad or worrying news. I don’t do that. I don’t shut down. The overwhelming anxiety that precedes a worrisome piece of news weighs so heavy on my mind, that I just need time to reset. I need time to re-calibrate. I’m no good to anyone when it gets really bad. So what I used to do is keep busy. I’d clean the house, have a little project going on and distract myself physically. It meant my mind got a little holiday from itself.
And that’s what anxiety is. It’s something that hits you square in the stomach and you have no idea when it’s coming. It’s uncontrollable and it makes everyday just a tick of the clock. You might be the strongest person when everyone else needs you to be. You tell them everything is going to be ok. And you believe that wholeheartedly. It’s never the belief you have for yourself. You are never your own cheerleader.
What I’ve come to realise recently is working through something and pushing it to the back of your mind doesn’t work for me. I want to deal with it in the here and now. Work through it instead of around it.
And for me, the best thing is wanting to work through it. Wanting to live with it. Not suffer with it. Not letting it win.
Photo by Dave Watson
Please check out his work on https://www.instagram.com/davewatson_uk/ or at https://davewatson1980.picfair.com
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